I don't even know what to say. I really hate my life right now. I can honestly say that I have never felt more hopeless about my current stage of life than I did today. Not once did I feel alive, bot once did I feel proud of who I am and what I am doing. I only felt demoralized, useless, under appreciated. I can't remember another time in my recent years when I have felt this incredibly worthless.
I should be excited right now! I am going to go back to school to pursue a dream of mine to be an educator! The future is starting for me now, why can't I be excited about it? Everyday that begins anew involving a trip to that wretched bank makes me feel so horribly depressed that sometimes I want to cry at the thought of it. Each day brings the exact same occurrences, so much so that it has become predictable. The only elements that are unknown is how long and how bad the daily devilries will be. I realize this makes me sound like a victim of molestation or something awful, but that really is what it feels like.
I am hoping, praying, almost begging for financial aid to be able to cover what I need to live without having to be at that awful horrible terrible monstrosity that is the bank that I work at. Seriously it is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my working life. No one that I work with seems to care or understand what exactly it is like for me. I am just supposed to deal with it. I deserve to work in an atmosphere that is uplifting, and nurturing, not damaging and condemning.
I am so depressed.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Am I wearing a sign of some kind.....?
It's been a hot minute since my last rant...so I figured I needed to make up for lost time in a big way.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS TOWN LATELY!? In this case I am specifically talking about the drivers in this town. When did the speed limit become scary? I mean, has there been a law of some kind passed that says we have to go 10 mph UNDER the speed limit in order to be in compliance of it? Two specific areas come to mind right now. 1.) The light at Washtenaw and Carpenter...turning onto Carpenter from Washtenaw Ave. I do not know what the hell people are thinking when they make that turn...but it takes them to the light at packard to hit 40 mph. THE SPEED LIMIT IS 45!!!!! I don't think you understand how much this pisses me off. There is absolutely no reason to go 35 mph down Carptenter road...but people do it! 2.) Washtenaw and Huron Parkway...AFTER the light. I cannot tell you how many times I get stuck behind some Mr (or Mrs) Magoo that is hellbent on going 30-35 mph on our way toward the washtenaw/stadium split. It takes all of the power of the Holy Spirit inside of me not to cause immense and terrible road rage not seen since the chase put on by OJ Simpson in 19 freakin 95 or whatever year it was. Seriously, it makes me super super super super mad.
Onto other business now. I have been thinking a lot lately about the existence of stereotypes. What they are and who the predominately apply to. Why they possibly began. If people really do embody or support this notion of characteristics designated to a class of people. I really wanted to think that there was no such thing, and that these generalizations exist to make us all feel like we belong to something, rather than being 6 billion plus complete individuals with nothing to bond us to each other. It has become painfully obvious that this is just not the case. There really are certain characteristics of human beings that gravitate them toward a certain interest or idea, and thus develop how they think, act, interact and live out their day to day lives. I will use the example I am most often subject to...athletes. We have quite a few U of M athletes come through the hotel, and almost every single one of them fits the mold of a typical athlete. They eat a lot, they sleep a lot, they live and breathe their sport, and they are insensitive, ignorant, and often sexist asses. There is a stigma with athletes that says that if you are around your same sex free of clothing almost everyday of your life for many many years...it is going to cause sexual confusion or awkward locker room moments. The result of this stigma is extreme homophobia and the free use of the f bomb...fag. In one conversation that lasted 2 minutes between 8 basketball players, I heard fag, gay, or faggot no less that 20 times. It was almost every other word at one point, being said by each player almost in..wait for it....stereo. So what does all of this mean? It means that I have shifted my belief that stereotypes are a myth. They are in face very real, but not necessarily a by-product of ignorance. I believe that stereotypes are a survival mechanism used by many to bring comfort, or deflect shame, for either being a certain way, or having an interest deemed odd or "uncool." Could it be that athletes had a stereotype thrust upon them of being gay at one point, and this was the coping mechanism that resulted? Is it really outside the realm of possibility that all of the negative stereotypes out there grew as a result of reverse psychology? Could stereotypes have evolved because of a groups desperate attempt to be the opposite of what they were accused of being? Did "goth" kids once wear an array of colors? Were actors once mellow and quiet? I don't know if I am making any sense, but that is what I have been thinking about, in terms of stereotypes anyway.
That's all for now....see you in a few more months.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS TOWN LATELY!? In this case I am specifically talking about the drivers in this town. When did the speed limit become scary? I mean, has there been a law of some kind passed that says we have to go 10 mph UNDER the speed limit in order to be in compliance of it? Two specific areas come to mind right now. 1.) The light at Washtenaw and Carpenter...turning onto Carpenter from Washtenaw Ave. I do not know what the hell people are thinking when they make that turn...but it takes them to the light at packard to hit 40 mph. THE SPEED LIMIT IS 45!!!!! I don't think you understand how much this pisses me off. There is absolutely no reason to go 35 mph down Carptenter road...but people do it! 2.) Washtenaw and Huron Parkway...AFTER the light. I cannot tell you how many times I get stuck behind some Mr (or Mrs) Magoo that is hellbent on going 30-35 mph on our way toward the washtenaw/stadium split. It takes all of the power of the Holy Spirit inside of me not to cause immense and terrible road rage not seen since the chase put on by OJ Simpson in 19 freakin 95 or whatever year it was. Seriously, it makes me super super super super mad.
Onto other business now. I have been thinking a lot lately about the existence of stereotypes. What they are and who the predominately apply to. Why they possibly began. If people really do embody or support this notion of characteristics designated to a class of people. I really wanted to think that there was no such thing, and that these generalizations exist to make us all feel like we belong to something, rather than being 6 billion plus complete individuals with nothing to bond us to each other. It has become painfully obvious that this is just not the case. There really are certain characteristics of human beings that gravitate them toward a certain interest or idea, and thus develop how they think, act, interact and live out their day to day lives. I will use the example I am most often subject to...athletes. We have quite a few U of M athletes come through the hotel, and almost every single one of them fits the mold of a typical athlete. They eat a lot, they sleep a lot, they live and breathe their sport, and they are insensitive, ignorant, and often sexist asses. There is a stigma with athletes that says that if you are around your same sex free of clothing almost everyday of your life for many many years...it is going to cause sexual confusion or awkward locker room moments. The result of this stigma is extreme homophobia and the free use of the f bomb...fag. In one conversation that lasted 2 minutes between 8 basketball players, I heard fag, gay, or faggot no less that 20 times. It was almost every other word at one point, being said by each player almost in..wait for it....stereo. So what does all of this mean? It means that I have shifted my belief that stereotypes are a myth. They are in face very real, but not necessarily a by-product of ignorance. I believe that stereotypes are a survival mechanism used by many to bring comfort, or deflect shame, for either being a certain way, or having an interest deemed odd or "uncool." Could it be that athletes had a stereotype thrust upon them of being gay at one point, and this was the coping mechanism that resulted? Is it really outside the realm of possibility that all of the negative stereotypes out there grew as a result of reverse psychology? Could stereotypes have evolved because of a groups desperate attempt to be the opposite of what they were accused of being? Did "goth" kids once wear an array of colors? Were actors once mellow and quiet? I don't know if I am making any sense, but that is what I have been thinking about, in terms of stereotypes anyway.
That's all for now....see you in a few more months.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
and the emotions begin...
I just spent 8 days in a row, 24/7..well 24/8 with my mother. I know this may not seem like a huge undertaking, it is after all my mother, but my mom is the source of a great deal of pain and mistrust in my life. In fact, there may be no other person in my life who has hurt me more, and not asked for forgiveness or realized how it is I have been hurt, than her. For the better part of 10 years now, my mom and I have grown apart, allowing ourselves to be hurt and not allow the other to know about it, and thus learn from it by apologizing and growing closer.
Instead, the opposite has happened for us. I have hurt her, she has hurt me, and we have let those hurts build walls around our hearts when it comes to the other person. Our relationship has become shallow, marred by shallow conversations and not wanting to go too deep or show too much emotion for fear of judgment or ridicule. I do not have the time or the energy to type every hurt that has come up, but only to process through what I think I have learned from this 8 days of emotional turmoil really.
First in my mind is the fact that I have broken my moms trust, and I haven't earned that trust back from her. I have failed to pay back some debts that I had with her, and that affected her ability to trust that I would fully pay for my part of the trip that we just went on. When I asked her for grace in repaying my debt to her in more than one lump sum, she responded rather harshly, telling me that if I didn't have the money to go, I would either figure out a way, or not go. She mentioned that she would not give the grace I asked for because she didn't fully trust that i would pay it back. In essence, she thought I was trying to cheat my way into a free week of vacation. It was actually mentioned several times that I would "like to see her pay for everything and get a free ride." Ouch #1. Would that have been nice? hell yeah! But it was not something that I expected, or even wanted, and without the trust she would never be able to see that. She just thought it was the same old song and dance as it always has been with me...thus no grace in repaying the debt.
Next, I do not trust her with my privacy. She stayed with me here for the 8 days, and before she came I literally "mom-proofed" my apartment. Almost like you do a child that's learning to walk by softening sharp edges, or moving items higher up, I hid personal belongings that she might like to pilfer through. Items such as mail, bank account info, credit card statement, and my sex and the city series DVD's. I was convinced that while I was in the shower, she would snoop and find whatever she could to confront me with how I live my life and what a bad witness my life is and so on and so forth. I cannot count how many times that act has led to that conversation in the last 10 years. It is a large number, and I have not forgotten about any of the times that it has happened. Ouch #2. For each of those instances, not one has come with an apology for how it could have hurt me, and none have come with the understanding that it won't happen again. As a result, I approach each of our visits with an extreme amount of caution, causing the wall to be just a little bit thicker.
Still another item...the divorce. We are now almost 1 and 1/2 years into it, and still nothing has been resolved, and because I have no family of my own, I have to be set square in the middle of it. Adding tot he drama of the week, my dads birthday was the week that she was here, bringing their failed relationship to the forefront of our conversation for the ENTIRE 8 days. We talked about it at least once a day, and no less than 2 hours after she arrived at my apartment. I don't know if I have ever felt more uncomfortable and annoyed in all of my life. Even when they were yelling and swearing at each other in the next room as a child, it was all dwarfed by being in the middle of two near senior citizens bitter divorce. An end to a relationship that was as bitter or more than the divorce itself. Our conversation was centered around her being the victim...and money. Everything was on someone else, and she was left to suffer alone in Florida. Her SPENDING had to go down, her BILLS became an issue, she had to learn to BUDGET, but my dad was sitting pretty with a 401K, pension and IRA....oh goodness what a mess.
I cannot believe that there is such a rift in this relationship. I mean, its my mother, and I can't seem to find a way to truly love her. Everything is so guarded, so cautious. How can you have a relationship where you never show the real you? I did learn however that my heart is the one that is hardened. My mom wants so badly to be close to me, and wants so badly to have a real, true, and authentic relationship with me, but I am too scarred to allow that to happen. I want so badly to hear I'm sorry, and I need so badly to know that she understands HOW she hurt me. Somehow I need to get to a place where I understand her a little bit more, a place where I understand her thought process, and why she reacts and says the things that she does. The only issue is how. I see her 2 times per year, and soon probably only once, maybe even less.
How do you forgive without hearing I'm sorry? How do you move on without looking back? How do you look forward without understanding the past? Perhaps this is why a lot of my relationships are shallow. It is very possible that I could take this same caution into my friendships, thus making them skin deep. Have I shown anyone the real me?
Better yet, who the hell is the real me? 27, alone, emotional, and confused. I write to a blog that no one sees, that could be the first sign of a problem. Shouldn't I want my friends to read my thoughts, and understand what's going on in my head? I feel ashamed of my emotions....
I am destined to die alone.
Instead, the opposite has happened for us. I have hurt her, she has hurt me, and we have let those hurts build walls around our hearts when it comes to the other person. Our relationship has become shallow, marred by shallow conversations and not wanting to go too deep or show too much emotion for fear of judgment or ridicule. I do not have the time or the energy to type every hurt that has come up, but only to process through what I think I have learned from this 8 days of emotional turmoil really.
First in my mind is the fact that I have broken my moms trust, and I haven't earned that trust back from her. I have failed to pay back some debts that I had with her, and that affected her ability to trust that I would fully pay for my part of the trip that we just went on. When I asked her for grace in repaying my debt to her in more than one lump sum, she responded rather harshly, telling me that if I didn't have the money to go, I would either figure out a way, or not go. She mentioned that she would not give the grace I asked for because she didn't fully trust that i would pay it back. In essence, she thought I was trying to cheat my way into a free week of vacation. It was actually mentioned several times that I would "like to see her pay for everything and get a free ride." Ouch #1. Would that have been nice? hell yeah! But it was not something that I expected, or even wanted, and without the trust she would never be able to see that. She just thought it was the same old song and dance as it always has been with me...thus no grace in repaying the debt.
Next, I do not trust her with my privacy. She stayed with me here for the 8 days, and before she came I literally "mom-proofed" my apartment. Almost like you do a child that's learning to walk by softening sharp edges, or moving items higher up, I hid personal belongings that she might like to pilfer through. Items such as mail, bank account info, credit card statement, and my sex and the city series DVD's. I was convinced that while I was in the shower, she would snoop and find whatever she could to confront me with how I live my life and what a bad witness my life is and so on and so forth. I cannot count how many times that act has led to that conversation in the last 10 years. It is a large number, and I have not forgotten about any of the times that it has happened. Ouch #2. For each of those instances, not one has come with an apology for how it could have hurt me, and none have come with the understanding that it won't happen again. As a result, I approach each of our visits with an extreme amount of caution, causing the wall to be just a little bit thicker.
Still another item...the divorce. We are now almost 1 and 1/2 years into it, and still nothing has been resolved, and because I have no family of my own, I have to be set square in the middle of it. Adding tot he drama of the week, my dads birthday was the week that she was here, bringing their failed relationship to the forefront of our conversation for the ENTIRE 8 days. We talked about it at least once a day, and no less than 2 hours after she arrived at my apartment. I don't know if I have ever felt more uncomfortable and annoyed in all of my life. Even when they were yelling and swearing at each other in the next room as a child, it was all dwarfed by being in the middle of two near senior citizens bitter divorce. An end to a relationship that was as bitter or more than the divorce itself. Our conversation was centered around her being the victim...and money. Everything was on someone else, and she was left to suffer alone in Florida. Her SPENDING had to go down, her BILLS became an issue, she had to learn to BUDGET, but my dad was sitting pretty with a 401K, pension and IRA....oh goodness what a mess.
I cannot believe that there is such a rift in this relationship. I mean, its my mother, and I can't seem to find a way to truly love her. Everything is so guarded, so cautious. How can you have a relationship where you never show the real you? I did learn however that my heart is the one that is hardened. My mom wants so badly to be close to me, and wants so badly to have a real, true, and authentic relationship with me, but I am too scarred to allow that to happen. I want so badly to hear I'm sorry, and I need so badly to know that she understands HOW she hurt me. Somehow I need to get to a place where I understand her a little bit more, a place where I understand her thought process, and why she reacts and says the things that she does. The only issue is how. I see her 2 times per year, and soon probably only once, maybe even less.
How do you forgive without hearing I'm sorry? How do you move on without looking back? How do you look forward without understanding the past? Perhaps this is why a lot of my relationships are shallow. It is very possible that I could take this same caution into my friendships, thus making them skin deep. Have I shown anyone the real me?
Better yet, who the hell is the real me? 27, alone, emotional, and confused. I write to a blog that no one sees, that could be the first sign of a problem. Shouldn't I want my friends to read my thoughts, and understand what's going on in my head? I feel ashamed of my emotions....
I am destined to die alone.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Phil is spelled H.U.R.T.
I just am in total shock right now. I feel like I am being cut by a razor blade, very slowly, yet meticulously enough to make me slowly bleed to death. I am in the most stressful situation I have been in in quite some time, and I just don't see a way out of it. I have been having these visions of myself in a corner crying from hunger, embarrassment and shame. I have this terribly irrational fear that I am going to lose everything and wind up alone because all of my channels of help will have abandoned me.
Here's the 411. I got hours cut at the bank, I haven't worked at the hotel in 2 weeks, and before that it wasn't all that often to begin with. I don't have money to burn. I don't even have the extra money for a loaf of bread. Literally every dollar has to be accounted for, and if I can go without it...I have to. I am about to go on a vacation with my mother that will cost me 300 dollars. I have been squandering every dollar in hopes of saving enough for this vacation....obviously I was hoping for more frequent work at the hotel to aid in this goal. In any case, it hasn't happened and I don't have the total amount. I did express this to my mom through email, and asked for grace in paying my debt back in 2 or 3 installments. The email in response to that....was literally scathing.
She told me that we never agreed to have me pay her back gradually, and that she will not pay for my half of the cost. If I need money, I will need to find other channels to get it to give her the money that I owe her. This is my mother. I know that I need to honor the commitment that I made, and I have every intention of making that happen, but for goodness sakes, sometimes life happens and it changes what we're able to accomplish. It was never my plan to lose hours at both of my jobs at the same time, who in the hell would ever plan for that? Heaven forbid that an unforeseen circumstance come in the way of 300 hundred dollars.
But whatever, I will play along. I will try my other channel for possibly helping me out. If that doesn't happen..well then I guess I am not just slightly screwed, I am a new kind of royally screwed. I have so many emotions happening right now. Anger, hurt, bitterness, rage, pity, confusion, numbness, shock...all rotating in and out at any moment in the day. I just don't understand my life. I am struggling with feeling edified, and this happens. I feel like a failure, and this correspondence happens. What is going on right now? I feel absolutely miserable.
One more trail to add to the growing list. Is this all worth it? What is the prize waiting for me at the end of all of this?
All I am saying, is it better be mind-blowing good..we're talking jaw dropping. God is in control right? I sure hope so.
Here's the 411. I got hours cut at the bank, I haven't worked at the hotel in 2 weeks, and before that it wasn't all that often to begin with. I don't have money to burn. I don't even have the extra money for a loaf of bread. Literally every dollar has to be accounted for, and if I can go without it...I have to. I am about to go on a vacation with my mother that will cost me 300 dollars. I have been squandering every dollar in hopes of saving enough for this vacation....obviously I was hoping for more frequent work at the hotel to aid in this goal. In any case, it hasn't happened and I don't have the total amount. I did express this to my mom through email, and asked for grace in paying my debt back in 2 or 3 installments. The email in response to that....was literally scathing.
She told me that we never agreed to have me pay her back gradually, and that she will not pay for my half of the cost. If I need money, I will need to find other channels to get it to give her the money that I owe her. This is my mother. I know that I need to honor the commitment that I made, and I have every intention of making that happen, but for goodness sakes, sometimes life happens and it changes what we're able to accomplish. It was never my plan to lose hours at both of my jobs at the same time, who in the hell would ever plan for that? Heaven forbid that an unforeseen circumstance come in the way of 300 hundred dollars.
But whatever, I will play along. I will try my other channel for possibly helping me out. If that doesn't happen..well then I guess I am not just slightly screwed, I am a new kind of royally screwed. I have so many emotions happening right now. Anger, hurt, bitterness, rage, pity, confusion, numbness, shock...all rotating in and out at any moment in the day. I just don't understand my life. I am struggling with feeling edified, and this happens. I feel like a failure, and this correspondence happens. What is going on right now? I feel absolutely miserable.
One more trail to add to the growing list. Is this all worth it? What is the prize waiting for me at the end of all of this?
All I am saying, is it better be mind-blowing good..we're talking jaw dropping. God is in control right? I sure hope so.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Phil is spelled F.A.I.L.
I feel like a massive and monumental failure lately. I have found myself stewing and festering on the things in my life which make me feel insignificant. For example, there are several people that I work with who receive 15 text messages in an hour. From friends, from family, from husbands/wives/boyfriends; etc. I go an entire week sometimes without one of my friends texting me, or even responding to the texts that I send them. Something must be slightly wrong with me that most of the people in my life can go a week without talking to me. Hell, most of the people in my life go multiple weeks without talking to me. Is this because I am a person who is unfit to be cared for, or that I have surrounded myself with people who may struggle with that as well? Is it true that we tend to gravitate towards people with similar interest and by default similar struggles and shortcomings? Do we ever succeed in relationships?
I think I am going to move at the end of my lease here. I need a change. I need to be in a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. A place where I can literally start over. Where I can feel lonely because I don't know a single person in the town. So far my top choices are Chicago, NYC, Virginia Beach and Orlando. They are the locations with the most opportunities with BOA, and with a large number of people to get lost into. I would like the chance to succeed at relationships. A chance to lay down at the end of the day and feel like I am impacting someones life, and they are impacting mine. A chance to say that I have someone or some people to "do life" with. I want to fight through trials with someone, to celebrate joy with someone, and most of all feel like there is someone who I can call at anytime and for any reason. I feel right now that I don't have that person, that friend who can be my rock, who can speak truth to me when I am believing lies. All of these do not exist in this town.
It also doesn't help that Ann Arbor is becoming the new Hollywood. What better way to make a person who majored in acting, and who dreamed about being in those movies for his entire life feel more insignificant than to have multiple movies being shot here at one time. Almost everywhere you go, you see a movie trailer, a craft services tent, roads closed for the big names to do their thing. Extra casting calls come out by the day, but you can't go because of the fact that you have to work to afford your new digs. Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Topher Grace, Richard Gere and Drew Barrymore have all been in town to shoot their latest big screen adventure...and instead of me trying to be in them...I have to be a teller instead.
I need to quit my bitching. I am not the only person on earth who has suspended their dreams because of the necessity to eat and have shelter. There are probably thousands if not tens of thousands of people doing the same thing every single day across the country. I would be stupid to think I am the only one with unfulfilled dreams..because I am not.
I just need to change the spelling of my name...F.A.I.L. is far more accurate.
Until next time.
I think I am going to move at the end of my lease here. I need a change. I need to be in a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. A place where I can literally start over. Where I can feel lonely because I don't know a single person in the town. So far my top choices are Chicago, NYC, Virginia Beach and Orlando. They are the locations with the most opportunities with BOA, and with a large number of people to get lost into. I would like the chance to succeed at relationships. A chance to lay down at the end of the day and feel like I am impacting someones life, and they are impacting mine. A chance to say that I have someone or some people to "do life" with. I want to fight through trials with someone, to celebrate joy with someone, and most of all feel like there is someone who I can call at anytime and for any reason. I feel right now that I don't have that person, that friend who can be my rock, who can speak truth to me when I am believing lies. All of these do not exist in this town.
It also doesn't help that Ann Arbor is becoming the new Hollywood. What better way to make a person who majored in acting, and who dreamed about being in those movies for his entire life feel more insignificant than to have multiple movies being shot here at one time. Almost everywhere you go, you see a movie trailer, a craft services tent, roads closed for the big names to do their thing. Extra casting calls come out by the day, but you can't go because of the fact that you have to work to afford your new digs. Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Topher Grace, Richard Gere and Drew Barrymore have all been in town to shoot their latest big screen adventure...and instead of me trying to be in them...I have to be a teller instead.
I need to quit my bitching. I am not the only person on earth who has suspended their dreams because of the necessity to eat and have shelter. There are probably thousands if not tens of thousands of people doing the same thing every single day across the country. I would be stupid to think I am the only one with unfulfilled dreams..because I am not.
I just need to change the spelling of my name...F.A.I.L. is far more accurate.
Until next time.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The winds of change....
They are a blowin'. As of the first of next month I will finally put this situation behind me and move on into my own place. I have spent the better part of the last few weeks crunching the numbers, and while it will be tight and I will have to be SUPER frugal with the way that I spend and save, it makes sense and I do believe that the time is right to move out. I found a nice apartment in a complex I used to live in several years ago, and I cannot wait. To have the opportunity to decorate my own space, to spend time in silence after my work day, and to have the opportunity to see my friends and return home and be alone whenever I choose. I am very thankful to have the chance to move out on my own. I am scared that I might not be able to always make ends meet too easily, but I need to have a little faith while taking this leap of it.
My head is full of too much, so this will be the shortest post in history. Well, at least in this blogs history.
My head is full of too much, so this will be the shortest post in history. Well, at least in this blogs history.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
How does this tragedy effect my life?
Call me a jerk, call me selfish, call me whatever the hell you want, but if your plan for me doesn't come to pass, how is that my fault in any way? I will not be manipulated into staying in a situation that is bad for me! If you took on more debt than you can handle, that is YOUR problem, and not mine to shoulder. No one twisted your arm to buy this house, and no one coerced you into getting into a new vehicle when your old one was paid in full. None of these things effect me, because I did not sign a lease or give an agreement that I would be staying here for any long period of time.
Over the last several days, my father has expressed his hope that my job situation will level out because when it does I would be able to pay him rent money and contribute as he says to the monthly "expenses." While I would be more than willing to do this, and would I were committed to living here for a longer stretch of time, I would be all about it. Seeing as I am hoping that May will be my last month in this house, I do not want the burden on me that when I move out he will be sitting here struggling to make ends meet. How fair is it to mention that you let bills go unpaid at the end of the month because you don't have the money? Then you tell me that you hope my situation stabilizes so I can contribute, ask me if I am saving to move out, and THEN tell me that I should be looking to move out, but you were hoping I wouldn't do it for ONE OR TWO YEARS!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!! I am so upset right now. On top of my anxiety of living here until the day I die, I have to worry about the possibility that my leaving could literally put my dad in a serious financial pinch. I want my freedom, and I want to live an adult life, but how can I do that in good faith knowing how much it could make him suffer?
This really is so unfair. Why can't he just communicate? Why is it always kept inside so it can drive him crazy and feed his fatalist, depressed mindset? It is so hard to parent your parents. I even asked him a month ago what EXACTLY he needed from me fiscally to help him out. He told me groceries and phone bill. Cool, we can do that. Only to find out today that he needs hundreds more. HUNDREDS! Like seriously? I told him to seriously look at what he thought he would need from me, and that is what he said. So here I am thinking that is all I would need to do, and doing my best to save for the day when I could step out of this house for the last time as a resident of it. Now it just became so much more complicated.
When it comes down to it, I need to do what is going to be best for the future of me. If being here is really affecting me that badly, then I need to go. I need to go and trust that God will provide for my dad what it is that he needs to survive and make the ends meet. As hard and as bad as it is to say, his decisions to incur debt are not my issue, and I really shouldn't burden myself with it. Easier said than done.
I need to learn to live life for myself and not for the people around me. It is my life, and if it isn't exactly where I want it to be I have no one to blame but myself. The same is true if I continue to allow outside sources to influence the decisions of my life. Isn't that why we all can't wait to move out as children? We long for the day we can move to college, or earn enough money to move out for good. I might finally be close to that, and I DO NOT want to take steps backwards, I want to continue going forward.
That felt good to vent that, especially knowing that no one is going to read it. Maybe that isn't a positive thing, but I have to take it for what it is. Better for me to vent it here than to say this to his face. That would be bad. All steps taken to go forward, I am done with going backwards. If you try to make me go that way, you will not be happy, because I will crush you.
It's a brand new day ladies and gentleman, a brand new day. If you want to go somewhere, and if you want to be somebody, you better wake up and pay attention. Wise words from the sisters!!
Over the last several days, my father has expressed his hope that my job situation will level out because when it does I would be able to pay him rent money and contribute as he says to the monthly "expenses." While I would be more than willing to do this, and would I were committed to living here for a longer stretch of time, I would be all about it. Seeing as I am hoping that May will be my last month in this house, I do not want the burden on me that when I move out he will be sitting here struggling to make ends meet. How fair is it to mention that you let bills go unpaid at the end of the month because you don't have the money? Then you tell me that you hope my situation stabilizes so I can contribute, ask me if I am saving to move out, and THEN tell me that I should be looking to move out, but you were hoping I wouldn't do it for ONE OR TWO YEARS!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!! I am so upset right now. On top of my anxiety of living here until the day I die, I have to worry about the possibility that my leaving could literally put my dad in a serious financial pinch. I want my freedom, and I want to live an adult life, but how can I do that in good faith knowing how much it could make him suffer?
This really is so unfair. Why can't he just communicate? Why is it always kept inside so it can drive him crazy and feed his fatalist, depressed mindset? It is so hard to parent your parents. I even asked him a month ago what EXACTLY he needed from me fiscally to help him out. He told me groceries and phone bill. Cool, we can do that. Only to find out today that he needs hundreds more. HUNDREDS! Like seriously? I told him to seriously look at what he thought he would need from me, and that is what he said. So here I am thinking that is all I would need to do, and doing my best to save for the day when I could step out of this house for the last time as a resident of it. Now it just became so much more complicated.
When it comes down to it, I need to do what is going to be best for the future of me. If being here is really affecting me that badly, then I need to go. I need to go and trust that God will provide for my dad what it is that he needs to survive and make the ends meet. As hard and as bad as it is to say, his decisions to incur debt are not my issue, and I really shouldn't burden myself with it. Easier said than done.
I need to learn to live life for myself and not for the people around me. It is my life, and if it isn't exactly where I want it to be I have no one to blame but myself. The same is true if I continue to allow outside sources to influence the decisions of my life. Isn't that why we all can't wait to move out as children? We long for the day we can move to college, or earn enough money to move out for good. I might finally be close to that, and I DO NOT want to take steps backwards, I want to continue going forward.
That felt good to vent that, especially knowing that no one is going to read it. Maybe that isn't a positive thing, but I have to take it for what it is. Better for me to vent it here than to say this to his face. That would be bad. All steps taken to go forward, I am done with going backwards. If you try to make me go that way, you will not be happy, because I will crush you.
It's a brand new day ladies and gentleman, a brand new day. If you want to go somewhere, and if you want to be somebody, you better wake up and pay attention. Wise words from the sisters!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
How very predictable...
Today is my first day off from both of my jobs in 16 days. That means that for 2+ weeks I have woken up early (before 630) and gone to work, sometimes working both in one day. Today, I was looking forward to being alone for a little while. To be able to kick back and relax and not have to deal with people or have shallow conversations....but I forgot one very important thing. I live with my father. Of all of the days that I would have not wanted to have him home early, today would have been that day. Instead, I just had this feeling when I woke up this morning that my time was limited, and he would indeed be home earlier than usual.
I can't say why I felt this way, just that I had a feeling. Maybe it was founded in recent trends, or perhaps the fact that I haven't been home and we haven't crossed paths in 4 days. Whatever it was...my prediction rang true. I even got up earlier than I wanted to because of this feeling. Sure enough, after a trip to the grocery store, I returned home to attempt to enjoy some me time, only to hear the garage door open not 8 minutes later. All told on my day off, I received 45 minutes of time alone in my house. This just is not acceptable, and it isn't rally his fault. I mean he lives here to, and he can come and go as he pleases.
All of this just stems from my still present need to get the hell out of dodge. It is really bad. I should be appreciative that I have a father who doesn't care if I live with him until I am 50. I am not appreciative. I am fed up. Altogether, totally and undeniably fed up. I would almost rather live in my car than live here for a long period of time. I may have to resort to living in my car.
Okay now I am being irrational. Here is the plan. May's schedule should be coming out in the next day or so for the bank job. If the hours should stay the same as I suspect they will, we save like a mo-fo for a move in date of June 1st. Then, we hope that hours at the hotel pick up as it has been mentioned that it will..and we save like a mo-fo from that as well. Spend only on groceries and gas. No eating out, no excess leisure purchases, and wedding gifts are kept at 20 dollars and below. All of this in the hope that by the time the end of May rolls around, I will have enough money to pay for rent in the month of June and July and have the time to save again for the months of August and September. This way I am always a month ahead to save for the next two months. Sound doable? I think it's all wishful thinking, but I also know that it is possible for that to happen. I could very well save enough money for the above to happen. If I don't I will have no one to blame but myself.
Oh it feels so good to vent to no one! My life sucks. Oh well...such is life I guess. When you think about it, June 1 isn't that far off. It is almost May after all.
Whatever.
I can't say why I felt this way, just that I had a feeling. Maybe it was founded in recent trends, or perhaps the fact that I haven't been home and we haven't crossed paths in 4 days. Whatever it was...my prediction rang true. I even got up earlier than I wanted to because of this feeling. Sure enough, after a trip to the grocery store, I returned home to attempt to enjoy some me time, only to hear the garage door open not 8 minutes later. All told on my day off, I received 45 minutes of time alone in my house. This just is not acceptable, and it isn't rally his fault. I mean he lives here to, and he can come and go as he pleases.
All of this just stems from my still present need to get the hell out of dodge. It is really bad. I should be appreciative that I have a father who doesn't care if I live with him until I am 50. I am not appreciative. I am fed up. Altogether, totally and undeniably fed up. I would almost rather live in my car than live here for a long period of time. I may have to resort to living in my car.
Okay now I am being irrational. Here is the plan. May's schedule should be coming out in the next day or so for the bank job. If the hours should stay the same as I suspect they will, we save like a mo-fo for a move in date of June 1st. Then, we hope that hours at the hotel pick up as it has been mentioned that it will..and we save like a mo-fo from that as well. Spend only on groceries and gas. No eating out, no excess leisure purchases, and wedding gifts are kept at 20 dollars and below. All of this in the hope that by the time the end of May rolls around, I will have enough money to pay for rent in the month of June and July and have the time to save again for the months of August and September. This way I am always a month ahead to save for the next two months. Sound doable? I think it's all wishful thinking, but I also know that it is possible for that to happen. I could very well save enough money for the above to happen. If I don't I will have no one to blame but myself.
Oh it feels so good to vent to no one! My life sucks. Oh well...such is life I guess. When you think about it, June 1 isn't that far off. It is almost May after all.
Whatever.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
It's getting desperate
I have got to get the hell out of dodge. It is getting to the point that I am having anxiety attacks sitting in my own house. It's like I wake up knowing that my time at home is going to royally suck. I cannot go anywhere in this house, and I cannot find a moment of peace to be on my own for any length of time and it is driving me out of my freaking mind.
This is the most uncomfortable that I can remember being in a long time. My hours are days from being cut at the bank, and I have been getting no hours at the hotel. Two jobs, and I can't make the bills that I have in my life. Seriously? I have faith that everything will come together eventually, and I will look back and laugh at my lack of faith. I truly hope that my belly hurts from that laughter, and I truly hope that it is soon. They say laughing burns 3 calories per minute or something like that...well I have a lot of weight to lose..so this guy needs to laugh for a few hours, maybe even days. I am feeling desperate because I am feeling stuck.
My human instinct for survival has kicked in. In my head I am kicking and clawing at a stone wall in an attempt to either break it down or claw a hole in it, just so I might catch a glimpse of what the outside world looks like. So I have come up with a plan to get the hell out of dodge.
This past few weeks I have had several encounters with our bank market team for meetings, new hire breakfasts, branch visits; etc. I mentioned that I wanted to pursue moving up in this company. The bank has a standard of being an inclusive meritocracy, meaning it hires from within. I would like to take full advantage of that meritocracy. My hope and prayer is that in the next 2-3 months I could be in a full time position at some branch in the SE Michigan Market. Perhaps a lofty goal, but I would also love a raise involved with that.
Should a promotion of sorts to a full time position be achieved in the next 2-3 months....I AM OUT OF HERE!!! Without a doubt, there will be no more of me in this house. I could even afford to live in a relatively nice apartment with a full time position and slight raise. That would be quite awesome. This opportunity with the bank has been incredible. I never thought that I would like it as much as I do, and I didn't think I would catch on as well as I have. But I have, and the chance to advance has come, and I am truly hoping to run through that open door.
Who knows what will happen, and who even knows that I'll have this job in 2-3 months. I hope so, and I don't for see doing something that would render a termination, but you really do never know.
I have to get out of here...I can feel myself dying inside from being here. I have to. I have to get out of here.
This is the most uncomfortable that I can remember being in a long time. My hours are days from being cut at the bank, and I have been getting no hours at the hotel. Two jobs, and I can't make the bills that I have in my life. Seriously? I have faith that everything will come together eventually, and I will look back and laugh at my lack of faith. I truly hope that my belly hurts from that laughter, and I truly hope that it is soon. They say laughing burns 3 calories per minute or something like that...well I have a lot of weight to lose..so this guy needs to laugh for a few hours, maybe even days. I am feeling desperate because I am feeling stuck.
My human instinct for survival has kicked in. In my head I am kicking and clawing at a stone wall in an attempt to either break it down or claw a hole in it, just so I might catch a glimpse of what the outside world looks like. So I have come up with a plan to get the hell out of dodge.
This past few weeks I have had several encounters with our bank market team for meetings, new hire breakfasts, branch visits; etc. I mentioned that I wanted to pursue moving up in this company. The bank has a standard of being an inclusive meritocracy, meaning it hires from within. I would like to take full advantage of that meritocracy. My hope and prayer is that in the next 2-3 months I could be in a full time position at some branch in the SE Michigan Market. Perhaps a lofty goal, but I would also love a raise involved with that.
Should a promotion of sorts to a full time position be achieved in the next 2-3 months....I AM OUT OF HERE!!! Without a doubt, there will be no more of me in this house. I could even afford to live in a relatively nice apartment with a full time position and slight raise. That would be quite awesome. This opportunity with the bank has been incredible. I never thought that I would like it as much as I do, and I didn't think I would catch on as well as I have. But I have, and the chance to advance has come, and I am truly hoping to run through that open door.
Who knows what will happen, and who even knows that I'll have this job in 2-3 months. I hope so, and I don't for see doing something that would render a termination, but you really do never know.
I have to get out of here...I can feel myself dying inside from being here. I have to. I have to get out of here.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
kind of a mess..
First of all, let me say that being sick sucks! How does one person spend an hour with 4 sick people and catch it, when another person who spent 72 hours with the same sick people does not get sick? I hate being sick. You're hot, then you're cold (it's black and it's white...sorry) then you're achy and weak. It is stupid. How can we advance so far in medicine and STILL not have a cure for the common cold? Where is the group searching for the cure for that? Isn't it up there on the list with AIDS, Cancer, Autism and Down Syndrome?
But I digress. My head has been all over the place today. I've been excited, nervous, angry, hurt, happy, sad, disheartened, annoyed...literally all over the place. Maybe it is the fact that I have this awful cold right now, but it is most likely the fact that when I have time to look at my life and think about it; I am kind of a mess. I live with a man who couldn't care less if he lives or dies. He isn't controlling his diabetes, and a once active man has become nothing more than a bump on a log. He is in pajamas by 5 pm, and in bed by 830 on most nights. This is where I live. In the year and a half that I have lived with him, I have never had a group of people not with my last name over for any length of time. I have a morsel of bitterness and contempt that is slowly but surely growing roots that are deep. I don't want to be that person, but the fact remains in my family, that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I miss my life. I miss my solitude. I miss my time alone, when it was my choice. Right now it is not my choice to be alone...it is my bondage. I am being forced to live life alone, apart from everyone that I hold close to my heart. Now here is where the problem lies. Yes I live a long ways away from almost everyone in my life. Yes I chose to live here instead of finding alternate housing. I did not however, choose to have many of my friends cease to pursue me because of my living with my father. You know what...this is the easy way out. Blaming others for my own deficiencies is totally inappropriate. I settled into this situation, and I have let it get to this boiling point. I am solely responsible for the mess it has become.
Good thing no one reads this blog...I sound pretty pathetic. But what better way to sound pathetic that to your lonely old self. Case in point to my loneliness...even this blog points it out. Oh freakin well.
This is the end of this post..because I am now annoying myself. And my wrists hurt from typing.
But I digress. My head has been all over the place today. I've been excited, nervous, angry, hurt, happy, sad, disheartened, annoyed...literally all over the place. Maybe it is the fact that I have this awful cold right now, but it is most likely the fact that when I have time to look at my life and think about it; I am kind of a mess. I live with a man who couldn't care less if he lives or dies. He isn't controlling his diabetes, and a once active man has become nothing more than a bump on a log. He is in pajamas by 5 pm, and in bed by 830 on most nights. This is where I live. In the year and a half that I have lived with him, I have never had a group of people not with my last name over for any length of time. I have a morsel of bitterness and contempt that is slowly but surely growing roots that are deep. I don't want to be that person, but the fact remains in my family, that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I miss my life. I miss my solitude. I miss my time alone, when it was my choice. Right now it is not my choice to be alone...it is my bondage. I am being forced to live life alone, apart from everyone that I hold close to my heart. Now here is where the problem lies. Yes I live a long ways away from almost everyone in my life. Yes I chose to live here instead of finding alternate housing. I did not however, choose to have many of my friends cease to pursue me because of my living with my father. You know what...this is the easy way out. Blaming others for my own deficiencies is totally inappropriate. I settled into this situation, and I have let it get to this boiling point. I am solely responsible for the mess it has become.
Good thing no one reads this blog...I sound pretty pathetic. But what better way to sound pathetic that to your lonely old self. Case in point to my loneliness...even this blog points it out. Oh freakin well.
This is the end of this post..because I am now annoying myself. And my wrists hurt from typing.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I am so screwed...
It happened again yesterday. I was waiting on a customer at the bank, and he needed me to do something I wasn't able or willing to do. What was his response? "Well the other girls always do it for me." The other girls? Really? Then he corrected himself: "I mean the girls here do it for me." Nice save...NOT. Seriously, I was shocked. It has become a little funny to me actually. That is 6 times now in the last 8 or 9 days that I have been referred to as or called a name that is reflective of, a woman. In all honesty, I just go into my days expecting it to happen. I almost walk into the bank wondering when it is going to happen that someone refers to me as a woman.
In other news, my life is about to change yet again. I was informed today that my hours that were increased due to a position being open, will now be decreased because of that position being filled. It may not be for 30 days or so, but it will happen. Possibly sooner and possibly later, he has no idea and neither do I. Roughly translated it means that my hours could be cut at any time on any day during any week in the next 30 days.
Involved in all this loveliness is the fact that I am trying to get the hell out of dodge! I need to move out, and have found a few prospects of apartment complexes to look at. The problem now becomes what can I afford and where will the best location be? If my hours are going to be cut, that means half of my monthly income goes with it. The obvious question in response to that? Why don't I get a roommate? What an excellent question! There is a possibility that I could live with one of my friends, however that would not be until August, and he has mentioned that he is unsure he wants to live with me or another of his friends. Awesome.
I decided to be vulnerable and tell my father of these recent developments, and he used it as a tool to become more depressed about his own situation. Really? This is another example of how much I need to get out of this awful situation. I can't even talk about my life without it being turned around to be made about someone else! Hello! My problem i about me...not you!
Oh! I forgot an important tidbit of this whole thing. In the conversation with my boss today where he told me my hours were being cut, he told me that my direct supervisor, called an SSS (sales & service specialist), is looking to be promoted within the market in the coming month(s). Maybe he will and maybe he won't...we'll have to wait and see. Well, if he were to move on into a different position, that would leave his position open in our branch. My manager decided to tell me that he would consider me for the promotion to SSS, which is more responsibility, 40 hours a week, and a near 3 dollar raise. I would LOVE to get that promotion, but I don't want to see our SSS go...I really like working with him. I have only been there for 3 months, why would I be the person he would choose for such an important position in the bank? And who am I to think that anyone would approve that! 3 months!
Oh my goodness, I am literally in knots thinking about all of this. I am beginning to become consumed with getting the hell out of this house and not on anything constructive in my life. Like friendships, and learning in steps and not trying to leap all at once at the bank. I don't know. I hate my life.
I am so screwed. I have no idea what's right and what's wrong anymore. So why bother!?
So what have we learned today? I sound/look/act/and behave like a woman to almost everyone on earth. I will be losing my hours. Apartments in Ann Arbor/Ypsi want to bend you over with rent prices. My father takes every problem in my life and makes it about him. My supervisor may be getting a new job in the market which may open a position that may be filled by me. That promotion may be approved by the market team or they may choose to hire someone else from within the market to come in and do it. Oh, and I sound/look/act/and behave like a woman to everyone on earth.
All that in just one day. I am so screwed. Can't wait until tomorrow!
In other news, my life is about to change yet again. I was informed today that my hours that were increased due to a position being open, will now be decreased because of that position being filled. It may not be for 30 days or so, but it will happen. Possibly sooner and possibly later, he has no idea and neither do I. Roughly translated it means that my hours could be cut at any time on any day during any week in the next 30 days.
Involved in all this loveliness is the fact that I am trying to get the hell out of dodge! I need to move out, and have found a few prospects of apartment complexes to look at. The problem now becomes what can I afford and where will the best location be? If my hours are going to be cut, that means half of my monthly income goes with it. The obvious question in response to that? Why don't I get a roommate? What an excellent question! There is a possibility that I could live with one of my friends, however that would not be until August, and he has mentioned that he is unsure he wants to live with me or another of his friends. Awesome.
I decided to be vulnerable and tell my father of these recent developments, and he used it as a tool to become more depressed about his own situation. Really? This is another example of how much I need to get out of this awful situation. I can't even talk about my life without it being turned around to be made about someone else! Hello! My problem i about me...not you!
Oh! I forgot an important tidbit of this whole thing. In the conversation with my boss today where he told me my hours were being cut, he told me that my direct supervisor, called an SSS (sales & service specialist), is looking to be promoted within the market in the coming month(s). Maybe he will and maybe he won't...we'll have to wait and see. Well, if he were to move on into a different position, that would leave his position open in our branch. My manager decided to tell me that he would consider me for the promotion to SSS, which is more responsibility, 40 hours a week, and a near 3 dollar raise. I would LOVE to get that promotion, but I don't want to see our SSS go...I really like working with him. I have only been there for 3 months, why would I be the person he would choose for such an important position in the bank? And who am I to think that anyone would approve that! 3 months!
Oh my goodness, I am literally in knots thinking about all of this. I am beginning to become consumed with getting the hell out of this house and not on anything constructive in my life. Like friendships, and learning in steps and not trying to leap all at once at the bank. I don't know. I hate my life.
I am so screwed. I have no idea what's right and what's wrong anymore. So why bother!?
So what have we learned today? I sound/look/act/and behave like a woman to almost everyone on earth. I will be losing my hours. Apartments in Ann Arbor/Ypsi want to bend you over with rent prices. My father takes every problem in my life and makes it about him. My supervisor may be getting a new job in the market which may open a position that may be filled by me. That promotion may be approved by the market team or they may choose to hire someone else from within the market to come in and do it. Oh, and I sound/look/act/and behave like a woman to everyone on earth.
All that in just one day. I am so screwed. Can't wait until tomorrow!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
What will your adventure be today?
What a great question! As i sat in church today listening to a pastor just returning from a year long trip to Kenya, he mentioned that he was waiting for what his next adventure would be. He put a really cool spin on it however. Instead of using adventure as a fun, preplanned and wanted event, he admitted that he wasn't excited to possibly spend more time away from home, but he said that adventure was another way of explaining a step of faith. Every time we do something that we maybe don't want to or perhaps are super afraid to hear we should do, it is a step of faith. Well is it that far fetched to think of that same step of faith being an adventure into it. It being faith of course.
I have been wrestling everyday with when to move, if I should move, where I should move, what it should cost. Should I buy a new computer and HDTV on credit or should I wait until I can afford to pay it and not have to resort to opening a credit card at some store in the area? In all of those questions I have been losing sight of the adventure, which is do I have the faith to move with practically nothing and believe that God will provide me with the necessities if and when I can afford them. With that in mind, I have decided to pursue the option of moving sooner than the August/September I once planned on. Truth be told, I don't think that I could live here for 6 more months and not go insane, or grow bitterness toward my father, which is on the bottom of the list of things I want to do.
I just want to be in a place that will be good for me, both financially and relationally. Right here, right now, in this house, I am not doing anything for myself relationally, except see my relationships fall by the wayside. Along with this idea of adventure today, I hung out with this amazing girl (hope you read this!) and she asked me a valid question. If it is so bad, why not move up my move date and get out end of April instead of waiting until August or September? The truth is I don't know why. Which is another reason I have decided to pursue the idea of moving sooner rather than later.
It just boils down to several factors. In the last few weeks, things have really fallen into place for me to be able to furnish an apartment with little to no money. Sweet! Also, I am getting extra hours at the bank for the foreseeable future, which is absolutely key to being able to get out of my situation. I should be able to get more hours at the hotel once spring (fully) comes and especially after the semester ends at the end of April. Should my hours go down at the bank...I am totally prepared to get a third job which could include returning to Red Robin for the tip money. I am not beneath attempting a return to Red Robin. It is not ideal, but the sacrifice could be worth it in the long run.
Wow...I never thought I would say that! No part of me thought I would ever mutter those words. Even though I typed them...I still said them in my head.
I am planning a leap of faith in my life. This could get interesting. What is your adventure going to be today? Words to live by....
I have been wrestling everyday with when to move, if I should move, where I should move, what it should cost. Should I buy a new computer and HDTV on credit or should I wait until I can afford to pay it and not have to resort to opening a credit card at some store in the area? In all of those questions I have been losing sight of the adventure, which is do I have the faith to move with practically nothing and believe that God will provide me with the necessities if and when I can afford them. With that in mind, I have decided to pursue the option of moving sooner than the August/September I once planned on. Truth be told, I don't think that I could live here for 6 more months and not go insane, or grow bitterness toward my father, which is on the bottom of the list of things I want to do.
I just want to be in a place that will be good for me, both financially and relationally. Right here, right now, in this house, I am not doing anything for myself relationally, except see my relationships fall by the wayside. Along with this idea of adventure today, I hung out with this amazing girl (hope you read this!) and she asked me a valid question. If it is so bad, why not move up my move date and get out end of April instead of waiting until August or September? The truth is I don't know why. Which is another reason I have decided to pursue the idea of moving sooner rather than later.
It just boils down to several factors. In the last few weeks, things have really fallen into place for me to be able to furnish an apartment with little to no money. Sweet! Also, I am getting extra hours at the bank for the foreseeable future, which is absolutely key to being able to get out of my situation. I should be able to get more hours at the hotel once spring (fully) comes and especially after the semester ends at the end of April. Should my hours go down at the bank...I am totally prepared to get a third job which could include returning to Red Robin for the tip money. I am not beneath attempting a return to Red Robin. It is not ideal, but the sacrifice could be worth it in the long run.
Wow...I never thought I would say that! No part of me thought I would ever mutter those words. Even though I typed them...I still said them in my head.
I am planning a leap of faith in my life. This could get interesting. What is your adventure going to be today? Words to live by....
Friday, March 12, 2010
I am pretty over this...
I suck at regularity with this thing...but then again no one even knows this exists...so WHATEVER! I have something I need to get off of my chest. Now I know that I am going to sound like a whiny baby bee-cha-cha, but who the hell cares.
All my life I have had to deal with the fact that I never really understood and grasped what it was like to be/act/think and talk like a man. I can't even begin to fake it. I just don't know what it means. A lot of my friends tell me that it doesn't matter and that what the world thinks of me is nothing compared to what God thinks of me. I am totally behind this and I am sure that one day I may understand what that statement means....but for the time being, I live in the world, and I deal with worldly situations on a daily basis. The largest of which being the perception of my sexuality based on my mannerisms and lack of many qualities and even features.
I don't burp and fart for laughter, and I tend to think more like a woman than a man. I am overly sensitive and I find sexist humor demoralizing and cavemanish in nature. My post before this dealt with men who constantly talk poorly about their spouses...I would crumble if my future whatever talked poorly of me to their co-workers.
But I digress.
In the last few weeks, more times than I care to think about, I have been referred to in a womanly term. For example, at the bank today, i was helping a customer with a transaction, and I asked him a question and he didn't quite hear me. Instead of saying what? he looked directly at me and said "ma'am?" I remember my stomach turning. To make matters worse, our lobby was 4 deep waiting to be helped at the teller line...and this man was anything but quiet. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and absolutely emasculated. More emasculated than I make myself feel already on a daily basis. I was called ma'am at the hotel on Wednesday, and 2 other times at the bank this week alone. That makes 5 times that a perfect stranger has looked at me and said ma'am, or even worse, didn't look at me and only responded to my voice with a yes ma'am or no ma'am depending on the circumstance.
There are many days when I wish I had a job where I could just be silent. Where I could disappear into the background and not be seen, heard or cared about. Unfortunately neither of the two jobs that I have allow me to be silent or fade into the background. I am just so over this. I am so over this aspect of myself being a tool for my shame. There are those that say I should be proud of who I am, be bold in my differences and use them to my advantage. The only problem is I don't see any of this as a positive thing. I have had countless conversations about how great it is and how God doesn't make mistakes and He planned for this to be apart of my life, to make me stronger.
I feel weak. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. I feel dirty, ashamed, outcast. I feel like a freak. Is this the life I was meant to live? Now I am starting to sound like a whiny baby bee-cha-cha, which is not my intention at all.
I just want to be normal...whatever that is. Whatever it may be, one thing I know for sure....it isn't me.
That is all.
All my life I have had to deal with the fact that I never really understood and grasped what it was like to be/act/think and talk like a man. I can't even begin to fake it. I just don't know what it means. A lot of my friends tell me that it doesn't matter and that what the world thinks of me is nothing compared to what God thinks of me. I am totally behind this and I am sure that one day I may understand what that statement means....but for the time being, I live in the world, and I deal with worldly situations on a daily basis. The largest of which being the perception of my sexuality based on my mannerisms and lack of many qualities and even features.
I don't burp and fart for laughter, and I tend to think more like a woman than a man. I am overly sensitive and I find sexist humor demoralizing and cavemanish in nature. My post before this dealt with men who constantly talk poorly about their spouses...I would crumble if my future whatever talked poorly of me to their co-workers.
But I digress.
In the last few weeks, more times than I care to think about, I have been referred to in a womanly term. For example, at the bank today, i was helping a customer with a transaction, and I asked him a question and he didn't quite hear me. Instead of saying what? he looked directly at me and said "ma'am?" I remember my stomach turning. To make matters worse, our lobby was 4 deep waiting to be helped at the teller line...and this man was anything but quiet. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and absolutely emasculated. More emasculated than I make myself feel already on a daily basis. I was called ma'am at the hotel on Wednesday, and 2 other times at the bank this week alone. That makes 5 times that a perfect stranger has looked at me and said ma'am, or even worse, didn't look at me and only responded to my voice with a yes ma'am or no ma'am depending on the circumstance.
There are many days when I wish I had a job where I could just be silent. Where I could disappear into the background and not be seen, heard or cared about. Unfortunately neither of the two jobs that I have allow me to be silent or fade into the background. I am just so over this. I am so over this aspect of myself being a tool for my shame. There are those that say I should be proud of who I am, be bold in my differences and use them to my advantage. The only problem is I don't see any of this as a positive thing. I have had countless conversations about how great it is and how God doesn't make mistakes and He planned for this to be apart of my life, to make me stronger.
I feel weak. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. I feel dirty, ashamed, outcast. I feel like a freak. Is this the life I was meant to live? Now I am starting to sound like a whiny baby bee-cha-cha, which is not my intention at all.
I just want to be normal...whatever that is. Whatever it may be, one thing I know for sure....it isn't me.
That is all.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Is anyone happily married anymore...
It's been a while since the last posting...but since I am the only one who knows about this blog and reads it....i don't think that it matters all that much. But I digress.
I have been really reflecting on my future and the possibility that I could spend the rest of my life on this earth without a companion. I may never have children, and I may never know what it is like to fall in love. But would that all be so bad? I think it is no secret that Americans are getting divorced at an alarming rate, over 50% last I knew, but it bears the question :why are so many marriages unhappy? I mean think about it. How many times do you find yourselves in conversation with a married person where they either make fun of, talk bad about, or belittle their spouse? Over the last few weeks it has been an everyday occurrence for me. Comments that they wouldn't make would their spouse had been around, which actually make the comments WORSE! For example...today a person received a text message from their spouse that they were shopping at a jewelry store. When he mentioned it to us..the comment was made "you know your wife is your best friend." His reply: "She's my wife..I don't know about best friend."
Like really? Your spouse isn't your best friend? Isn't that a factor in relationships? Shouldn't you and your life partner be at least friends before you marry and then procreate? It really scares me. What if I find myself talking about my spouse like that...or worse, they refer to me that way? Is this what marriage is?
Oh, and that's another thing! So many people have told me "Don't ever get married." How is that helpful? What kind of advice is that? What kind of respect is that for the institute that you VOLUNTARILY entered into!? I just don't fully understand. There are groups of people who actually do love each other in this country that are not allowed to get married because it is not considered "normal." But here we are giving normal marriages the right to marry, and subsequently get divorced. Could I be the only that sees this as royally screwed up?
Even customers that come in to the bank make comments. "It's quiet..there must be no women here today." "I need to withdraw as little as possible for my wife...it's not her money anyway." "I hide my bonus money from her...she doesn't see a dime." "I need to transfer from our joint to just my account...I am the one working after all." And those are just a few examples.
I may never get married, and I may never have children, but if that means never having those phrases spoken of me, or vice versa...I think that might be an even trade off.
That is all.
I have been really reflecting on my future and the possibility that I could spend the rest of my life on this earth without a companion. I may never have children, and I may never know what it is like to fall in love. But would that all be so bad? I think it is no secret that Americans are getting divorced at an alarming rate, over 50% last I knew, but it bears the question :why are so many marriages unhappy? I mean think about it. How many times do you find yourselves in conversation with a married person where they either make fun of, talk bad about, or belittle their spouse? Over the last few weeks it has been an everyday occurrence for me. Comments that they wouldn't make would their spouse had been around, which actually make the comments WORSE! For example...today a person received a text message from their spouse that they were shopping at a jewelry store. When he mentioned it to us..the comment was made "you know your wife is your best friend." His reply: "She's my wife..I don't know about best friend."
Like really? Your spouse isn't your best friend? Isn't that a factor in relationships? Shouldn't you and your life partner be at least friends before you marry and then procreate? It really scares me. What if I find myself talking about my spouse like that...or worse, they refer to me that way? Is this what marriage is?
Oh, and that's another thing! So many people have told me "Don't ever get married." How is that helpful? What kind of advice is that? What kind of respect is that for the institute that you VOLUNTARILY entered into!? I just don't fully understand. There are groups of people who actually do love each other in this country that are not allowed to get married because it is not considered "normal." But here we are giving normal marriages the right to marry, and subsequently get divorced. Could I be the only that sees this as royally screwed up?
Even customers that come in to the bank make comments. "It's quiet..there must be no women here today." "I need to withdraw as little as possible for my wife...it's not her money anyway." "I hide my bonus money from her...she doesn't see a dime." "I need to transfer from our joint to just my account...I am the one working after all." And those are just a few examples.
I may never get married, and I may never have children, but if that means never having those phrases spoken of me, or vice versa...I think that might be an even trade off.
That is all.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
My name is phil....and I am an enabler
It is the most difficult thing to realize that you recognize a problem and still find ways to perpetuate that problem. I feel like a complete jackass. I am completely enabling a very important person in my life to continue in their destructive behaviors. I speak of course of my father...who is 61 and a diabetic. Now, my dad has struggled with his weight since he entered grade school back in the early 50's. For at least 55 of his 61 years, he has been a bigger guy. It was just how he grew up. His mother loved food, made it well, and made it in mass quantities. Couple that with an utterly dysfunctional family life (extended included), an even more dysfunctional marriage, and you have one very messed up human being with adult onset diabetes.
I will not blame anyone for the problems that I deal with when it comes to food, but I do recognize that we are products of our upbringing, and we are shaped by the habits and choices of our parents. Like my father, I have chosen food as a comfort and friend for more than half of my 26 years. Problem? Grab a twinkie. Emotion? Eat an entire box of Mac & Cheese. Anxious? Calm yourself with a bowl of ice cream, then eat 3 more. My current situation is a direct result of ME and only me. The problem now becomes that when I bring food home as comfort food for me, it also becomes a temptation for him. I literally lead him further down a destructive path because I am too buried in my own destructive choices.
I am petrified that one day I will make a selfish decision that could harm, or in the extreme example, kill my father. I have completely enabled my father to go back down this road, and I am not quite sure how to reverse this process. It seems as easy as restraint starting with me. Just don't bring the crap home! Or don't make the stupid cake, or cookies, or ask for certain bad for you groceries...but it is hard!
Herein lies a huge reason why I need to get the hell out of dodge. Would I were not here 1.) I wouldn't have to watch my father slowly kill himself and 2.) I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I am throwing dirt to dig the 6 foot hole for his grave. I love my father very much, and I want him to be healthy. You are NEVER too old to get healthy, and you are NEVER too old to change your ways. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" has no business when it comes to saving your life.
I need some tips. How do I approach the subject of a huge insecurity in my fathers life? I want to honor him in the approach, but I need to drive home to him that if he won't do it for himself, he should at least do it for all of the people in is life who love him.
Gee, I guess I could start with that.
I will not blame anyone for the problems that I deal with when it comes to food, but I do recognize that we are products of our upbringing, and we are shaped by the habits and choices of our parents. Like my father, I have chosen food as a comfort and friend for more than half of my 26 years. Problem? Grab a twinkie. Emotion? Eat an entire box of Mac & Cheese. Anxious? Calm yourself with a bowl of ice cream, then eat 3 more. My current situation is a direct result of ME and only me. The problem now becomes that when I bring food home as comfort food for me, it also becomes a temptation for him. I literally lead him further down a destructive path because I am too buried in my own destructive choices.
I am petrified that one day I will make a selfish decision that could harm, or in the extreme example, kill my father. I have completely enabled my father to go back down this road, and I am not quite sure how to reverse this process. It seems as easy as restraint starting with me. Just don't bring the crap home! Or don't make the stupid cake, or cookies, or ask for certain bad for you groceries...but it is hard!
Herein lies a huge reason why I need to get the hell out of dodge. Would I were not here 1.) I wouldn't have to watch my father slowly kill himself and 2.) I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I am throwing dirt to dig the 6 foot hole for his grave. I love my father very much, and I want him to be healthy. You are NEVER too old to get healthy, and you are NEVER too old to change your ways. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" has no business when it comes to saving your life.
I need some tips. How do I approach the subject of a huge insecurity in my fathers life? I want to honor him in the approach, but I need to drive home to him that if he won't do it for himself, he should at least do it for all of the people in is life who love him.
Gee, I guess I could start with that.
Monday, February 8, 2010
A Rhetorical Question...
Do we show favoritism as a society? I mean, when we go to restaurants we have a favorite server. We have a favorite bank teller, cashier, manager, gas pump, ATM and the list goes on and on. Is it so weird to think that we could have a favorite parent? And conversely that our parents could have a favorite child? If every child is so different, and we all have distinct qualities that make us unique...is it so awful to think that we could clash with one or even both of our parents thus making us liked more by one or another?
I don't think I am making any sense here. So let me explain. My nephews are two of the most amazing children on this planet. I love them so much that it literally pains me. Okay not literally, but I genuinely love them. As wonderful as they are...they could not be more opposite from one another. Personality, temperament, fears, desires, favorite sports...they are all different. Okay they both like the same foods...but what pair of children aren't fed the same things?
But I digress. I have tried my best to treat each child equally, and to give each child the attention that they need and they frankly deserve. But I know that I fail, I know that I probably gravitate toward the "easier" child. The problem is that I see others following this same trend. I can't even begin to understand what it is like to have children...I may never understand, so I am not even going to try and venture a guess as to how to avoid this. I can only say that I love my nephews, and the parents they have been blessed with more than I love myself.
But is it so crazy to think that we have our favorites? And what happens to the one or ones that fall short of that favorite? I don't know...I sound stupid...and now I am done.
That is all.
I don't think I am making any sense here. So let me explain. My nephews are two of the most amazing children on this planet. I love them so much that it literally pains me. Okay not literally, but I genuinely love them. As wonderful as they are...they could not be more opposite from one another. Personality, temperament, fears, desires, favorite sports...they are all different. Okay they both like the same foods...but what pair of children aren't fed the same things?
But I digress. I have tried my best to treat each child equally, and to give each child the attention that they need and they frankly deserve. But I know that I fail, I know that I probably gravitate toward the "easier" child. The problem is that I see others following this same trend. I can't even begin to understand what it is like to have children...I may never understand, so I am not even going to try and venture a guess as to how to avoid this. I can only say that I love my nephews, and the parents they have been blessed with more than I love myself.
But is it so crazy to think that we have our favorites? And what happens to the one or ones that fall short of that favorite? I don't know...I sound stupid...and now I am done.
That is all.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Oh Winter....where are you?
I must admit...I love snow. I think it is a beautiful thing. In the right time of year of course. That being December-February. By March it needs to be getting toward spring. We changed daylight savings to accommodate it..it needs to be warm. Extra lights should directly correlate to warmer temps. But I digress. Am i the only one who has noticed that every terrible, paralyzing, and HUGE winter storm has totally missed our state in all directions? An even better question, am I the only one actually upset about it?
I mean come on....this is Michigan for goodness sakes! We are supposed to get dumped on during the winter. We have water on three sides to add to the snow machine! SO WHERE IS THE FREAKING SNOW!? I specifically bought a car with 4 wheel drive so I can be one of those prick drivers on the roads that blows by the timid drivers during a snowstorm! So where are my chances to be a tool in a 4 wheel! Yeah it makes your car dirty, you can never wear nice shoes and it makes it impossible to wear a pair of jeans twice in a row without people knowing it...but it's only for 3 months out of the year.
So far, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Okla-freakin-homa, Arkansas, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia, and now the District of Columbia have all experienced a record snowfall, are on pace for a record year, or have been in the direct path of a paralyzing winter storm. BUT NOT IN MICHIGAN! We have gotten one snowstorm that totalled 5 inches at best. That is just ridiculous to me. In a state where we always complain about how much snow we have, and where our children pray for the storm of the century to cancel school for a week. Here we are in February without even a hope of a snowstorm in the near future.
Now I feel I should clarify, I do not ski, I do not understand how a snowboard works, and I would compare cross country skiing to the boredom that some people feel when they watch golf. All I have is a Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo with payments that are psychotically high, that has 4 wheel drive that I am not using enough to feel I am getting what I am paying for (and will be fore the next 36 months). That's all I am asking for. Is that so bad?
If only I controlled the universe...children would experience a snow day again, and I could be a tool on the roads and only laugh as I leave people in my dirty salted road dust! Alas, I have to leave that honor to God...he seems to have done pretty well so far...so...I don't see why that won't continue.
Yay snow!! (please come back to us)
That is all.
I mean come on....this is Michigan for goodness sakes! We are supposed to get dumped on during the winter. We have water on three sides to add to the snow machine! SO WHERE IS THE FREAKING SNOW!? I specifically bought a car with 4 wheel drive so I can be one of those prick drivers on the roads that blows by the timid drivers during a snowstorm! So where are my chances to be a tool in a 4 wheel! Yeah it makes your car dirty, you can never wear nice shoes and it makes it impossible to wear a pair of jeans twice in a row without people knowing it...but it's only for 3 months out of the year.
So far, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Okla-freakin-homa, Arkansas, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia, and now the District of Columbia have all experienced a record snowfall, are on pace for a record year, or have been in the direct path of a paralyzing winter storm. BUT NOT IN MICHIGAN! We have gotten one snowstorm that totalled 5 inches at best. That is just ridiculous to me. In a state where we always complain about how much snow we have, and where our children pray for the storm of the century to cancel school for a week. Here we are in February without even a hope of a snowstorm in the near future.
Now I feel I should clarify, I do not ski, I do not understand how a snowboard works, and I would compare cross country skiing to the boredom that some people feel when they watch golf. All I have is a Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo with payments that are psychotically high, that has 4 wheel drive that I am not using enough to feel I am getting what I am paying for (and will be fore the next 36 months). That's all I am asking for. Is that so bad?
If only I controlled the universe...children would experience a snow day again, and I could be a tool on the roads and only laugh as I leave people in my dirty salted road dust! Alas, I have to leave that honor to God...he seems to have done pretty well so far...so...I don't see why that won't continue.
Yay snow!! (please come back to us)
That is all.
Ugh...parents.
Parents have this enormous power. It's almost scary. I know there are studies and fields of study and professions that all deal with this topic of nature vs nurture..but the bottom line is: parents have this enormous power. They shape how we think, react, emote, walk, talk, look, feel, and even shape our futures with their decisions. Conversely...they can also royally screw us up.
I do not know exactly when we as children become the adults in our relationships with our parents, but at some point...we do. We become the rational thinkers, we become the normal, functional, rational person. We can identify our parents flaws, recognize how to fix those flaws, and sit back while they do absolutely nothing about it. Now, is that just our parents being incredibly senile, or are they just "secure in who they are?" When exactly do they cross over that thin line from secure to senile?
I don't pretend to know the answer to that question, I only know that I am a living and breathing example of that struggle...right now. It haunts me everyday. It taunts me every minute, and it follows me everywhere I go. AND I AM SO OVER IT!!! Seriously. I understand that I am one of probably 100 million or so children of broken families in America...but I don't know those people..I only know me, and my situation, and I feel like I am going to explode all over the place. Then my body will be swept away in the wind like a dandelion, and I can land on some field 1000 miles away, somehow reform myself into a person and start the hell over somewhere else.
Wow! That is so depressing! You know, when you write it all down...it makes it seem so much worse. It almost makes the already insurmountable that much higher of an object to get over. So my question then becomes...what are the steps to take build your stairs to climb over it? How does one mount the insurmountable?
Please don't judge me....I am trapped in my own life right now. Add on to that the problems I am shouldering (some by choice, but most not) and you have the makings of an overwhelmed and stressed out 26 year old guy.
None of this would even matter if Tiger Woods would come back to play professional golf. He solves all of my problems. Just wanted to end this blog on one irrational statement. I'm good now...back to being the rational, normal one (whatever the hell that means).
That is all.
I do not know exactly when we as children become the adults in our relationships with our parents, but at some point...we do. We become the rational thinkers, we become the normal, functional, rational person. We can identify our parents flaws, recognize how to fix those flaws, and sit back while they do absolutely nothing about it. Now, is that just our parents being incredibly senile, or are they just "secure in who they are?" When exactly do they cross over that thin line from secure to senile?
I don't pretend to know the answer to that question, I only know that I am a living and breathing example of that struggle...right now. It haunts me everyday. It taunts me every minute, and it follows me everywhere I go. AND I AM SO OVER IT!!! Seriously. I understand that I am one of probably 100 million or so children of broken families in America...but I don't know those people..I only know me, and my situation, and I feel like I am going to explode all over the place. Then my body will be swept away in the wind like a dandelion, and I can land on some field 1000 miles away, somehow reform myself into a person and start the hell over somewhere else.
Wow! That is so depressing! You know, when you write it all down...it makes it seem so much worse. It almost makes the already insurmountable that much higher of an object to get over. So my question then becomes...what are the steps to take build your stairs to climb over it? How does one mount the insurmountable?
Please don't judge me....I am trapped in my own life right now. Add on to that the problems I am shouldering (some by choice, but most not) and you have the makings of an overwhelmed and stressed out 26 year old guy.
None of this would even matter if Tiger Woods would come back to play professional golf. He solves all of my problems. Just wanted to end this blog on one irrational statement. I'm good now...back to being the rational, normal one (whatever the hell that means).
That is all.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Whatever....
I know blogs are supposed to be witty, and they are supposed to be this place where you exhibit your skills in how many metaphors you can use in one entry. Well tonight, after this day, and after this week so far...I say WHATEVER! I am so tired of this. I am so tired of dealing with this and having it be so solitary. There really aren't many people in my life who could begin to understand what it is that I am going through, and that sucks.
There is stress around every corner. Some unresolved issue that keeps poking its head above the proverbial water to bother me. I am tired of it. I am tired of fighting it, and all I want to do is give up. Forget about the alleged "progress" and the stupid goals I have for my future and give in to what apparently everyone around me can see. Even strangers question it and comment on it. Where is the sign on me that points out my issues to the world? What is it that I did to make me the recipient of such a wonderful fate?
Now I am whining...I sound annoying.
I have found myself this week hiding from everything and everyone. I have chosen bitterness and contempt over sanity and clarity of thought. I have literally given in to the dark side of my thought life. And you know what? I don't even care. There is an odd comfort of giving in to the lies you are told about yourself. These lies were once described to me as our "tapes." These tapes can manifest themselves in many different situations. You could be driving in your car and hear tapes like, you aren't pretty enough, the person you're going to see doesn't want to see you...and the list goes on. My tape is that my struggles and issues discredit me from living life to the full. That the very things that make me different make me unworthy of the friendships I have because "if they really knew me" they wouldn't come within 10 feet of me.
This is my life, day in and day out. I live with these tapes and struggle to control them before they control me. I have good days and bad days, and so far this week has been nothing but bad days. That doesn't mean that the rest of the week couldn't go wonderfully, that would be great in fact, but for right now....this is where I am at.
What I need is some sort of hopeful outlook. I need to find that spot inside of me that still believes that I can defeat all of this and go on and live the life that I truly desire to live.
Now if I could just figure out what the hell that means, I'll be on my way to figuring out and obtaining "the life I want to live."
I am so screwed.
There is stress around every corner. Some unresolved issue that keeps poking its head above the proverbial water to bother me. I am tired of it. I am tired of fighting it, and all I want to do is give up. Forget about the alleged "progress" and the stupid goals I have for my future and give in to what apparently everyone around me can see. Even strangers question it and comment on it. Where is the sign on me that points out my issues to the world? What is it that I did to make me the recipient of such a wonderful fate?
Now I am whining...I sound annoying.
I have found myself this week hiding from everything and everyone. I have chosen bitterness and contempt over sanity and clarity of thought. I have literally given in to the dark side of my thought life. And you know what? I don't even care. There is an odd comfort of giving in to the lies you are told about yourself. These lies were once described to me as our "tapes." These tapes can manifest themselves in many different situations. You could be driving in your car and hear tapes like, you aren't pretty enough, the person you're going to see doesn't want to see you...and the list goes on. My tape is that my struggles and issues discredit me from living life to the full. That the very things that make me different make me unworthy of the friendships I have because "if they really knew me" they wouldn't come within 10 feet of me.
This is my life, day in and day out. I live with these tapes and struggle to control them before they control me. I have good days and bad days, and so far this week has been nothing but bad days. That doesn't mean that the rest of the week couldn't go wonderfully, that would be great in fact, but for right now....this is where I am at.
What I need is some sort of hopeful outlook. I need to find that spot inside of me that still believes that I can defeat all of this and go on and live the life that I truly desire to live.
Now if I could just figure out what the hell that means, I'll be on my way to figuring out and obtaining "the life I want to live."
I am so screwed.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
You never know...
Have you ever wondered how people perceive you? Do you ever think, what if I act like a fool right now, and then see this person again in a totally different situation? Wouldn't that be so weird! I always find myself trying to behave as well as possible because you just never know when you may see that person again. Because although we live in a world of 7 billion people, and a town of some 120,000, life has a way of making the world seem incredibly small.
Well, such was the case today.
Picture it, 8 weeks ago a man moves from civilization to the ghetto to experience life, laughs, and extra chains on the door for security. In the process of moving he decides to rid himself of the evils of Comcast and takes a trip to their main office to "give back" the equipment he so lovingly protected for the 3 years prior. Upon entering the office 5 minutes after it opened, he is greeted by a freaking line wrapping around the office and almost going out the door. Annoyed but patient, this man waits. 13 from the front.....now 12. It is at this point that we all experience "The Pissy Swaetpants Guy." You see, this man tried to cheat the system and order his products online, along with arranging for the equipment to be sent via overnight mail to his place of residence. Sounds good right? Pssshhhhhh...Not so much. 11 to go....See, not only was the equipment wrong, the price was wrong also, meaning he was "never" told what the price would be. He was told that he would have to pay for his HD service, something all of us who have Comcast are well aware of. 8.95 for regular servie, and 9.95 for HD DVR service. It's a known fact. That was not good enough for TPSG. He insisted that the online chat said nothing to him about a charge for HD service, and also said that the online chat quoted him a bill for 20 dollars less than the actual price the Comcast employee told him. In fact, he brought up the online chat so much, the woman behind the counter said "I don't know what the online chat person was thinking, but sir these are the prices, and you do have to pay for HD service to receive it." 5 more to go now....Now you may be asking, how do I know so much information about this particular customer/employee interaction? The answer is simple...THE GUY TALKED SO FRIGGIN LOUD!
Which brings me to today...I SAW HIM AGAIN! He was at a business conference I was working for the hotel downtown! I came out of the kitchen and BOOM! There he was...TPSG in the flesh. Except, this time...he was as pleasant as a cool breeze on a summer evening. The kind that makes you close your eyes and savor the scent of fresh air. I mean he was that nice. The entire time I was thinking...does he have any idea that I was present for one of his most embarrasing moments? Does he recognize me, because I SO recognize him.
It really made me reflect on how important it is to behave like you'll see this person again. Behave as you would if your child was with you, or your grandmother, or even, in the more extreme example, as if Jesus was standing beside you.
You seriously do just never know....
That is all.
Well, such was the case today.
Picture it, 8 weeks ago a man moves from civilization to the ghetto to experience life, laughs, and extra chains on the door for security. In the process of moving he decides to rid himself of the evils of Comcast and takes a trip to their main office to "give back" the equipment he so lovingly protected for the 3 years prior. Upon entering the office 5 minutes after it opened, he is greeted by a freaking line wrapping around the office and almost going out the door. Annoyed but patient, this man waits. 13 from the front.....now 12. It is at this point that we all experience "The Pissy Swaetpants Guy." You see, this man tried to cheat the system and order his products online, along with arranging for the equipment to be sent via overnight mail to his place of residence. Sounds good right? Pssshhhhhh...Not so much. 11 to go....See, not only was the equipment wrong, the price was wrong also, meaning he was "never" told what the price would be. He was told that he would have to pay for his HD service, something all of us who have Comcast are well aware of. 8.95 for regular servie, and 9.95 for HD DVR service. It's a known fact. That was not good enough for TPSG. He insisted that the online chat said nothing to him about a charge for HD service, and also said that the online chat quoted him a bill for 20 dollars less than the actual price the Comcast employee told him. In fact, he brought up the online chat so much, the woman behind the counter said "I don't know what the online chat person was thinking, but sir these are the prices, and you do have to pay for HD service to receive it." 5 more to go now....Now you may be asking, how do I know so much information about this particular customer/employee interaction? The answer is simple...THE GUY TALKED SO FRIGGIN LOUD!
Which brings me to today...I SAW HIM AGAIN! He was at a business conference I was working for the hotel downtown! I came out of the kitchen and BOOM! There he was...TPSG in the flesh. Except, this time...he was as pleasant as a cool breeze on a summer evening. The kind that makes you close your eyes and savor the scent of fresh air. I mean he was that nice. The entire time I was thinking...does he have any idea that I was present for one of his most embarrasing moments? Does he recognize me, because I SO recognize him.
It really made me reflect on how important it is to behave like you'll see this person again. Behave as you would if your child was with you, or your grandmother, or even, in the more extreme example, as if Jesus was standing beside you.
You seriously do just never know....
That is all.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sonny shot Dante!!
I have a confession to make.....I love soap operas. I realize how much I just emasculated myself, but damn it I love them! Where else can you find the most beautiful people on the planet play filthy rich people who allegedly have day jobs while sleeping with each other until the find out their bed mate is their sister/brother and then have 3 months of angst because they slept with their sibling!?
I know...it's trashy, trite, totally unbelievable and altogether predictable, but I can't stay away from them. Over the last 15 years, I have been an avid viewer of several soap operas, including, but not limited to, All My Children, One Life To Live, General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless and that's just naming a few. This doesn't even include cancelled shows like Sunset Beach, Another World and the short lived but well liked Spider Games on MTV.
Perhaps it's the appeal of living vicariously through these fictitious characters to achieve lives we will probably never know. Or maybe it's because I want to find out how the writers and actors will portray another random person being added to the family tree because of one freak drunken encounter 25 years ago that they were too afraid to be honest about and have been covering up by paying off the mother to keep her quiet and help them maintain some semblance of normalcy in their everyday lives. I don't know, but something makes me watch, and often.
As a person who went to school for the craft of acting, I respect completely the art form that is the Soap Opera. I mean think about it this way: In 7-10 days, a show like Glee or Grey's Anatomy will film 1 episode. In that same time span, a soap opera will film up to 10 episodes, perhaps more. Crew members also have to take down and put up each set, every single time they move to a new scene location involving new characters, or even one repeating character in a different location. It's crazy!
From the acting perspective, if you are involved in a central storyline, you could be on 5 days a week for several weeks and could therefore have up to 100 pages of dialogue to learn OVERNIGHT! And sometimes the day before that your call time could have been 5 am, and you might be there until 12 or 1 am. So in 4 hours, you have to learn 100 pages of dialogue. I'm sorry what!? Which is why ladies and gentleman, soap operas are blocked the way they are, with a lot of over the shoulder shots and not too often with 2 people in the same shot facing each other. This is to make it easier for the actors to literally read their lines off of cue cards. Hence the reason I respect them so much, because you have to act WHILE you read, and most of the time cry while you read.
Oh! Also, in a series weekly drama, you could get 7, 10, 50 or even 100 takes for one moment. With the soaps, you get 3 tries. If it isn't right on the third try, they edit together the best of the 3 tries to make the finished product. There just isn't enough money in soap operas to be wasting precious film.
Wow, I feel so much better for getting that out there. Now I have to go watch GH, because on friday Sonny shot Dante for being an undercover cop working to have him arrested for his ex-wife Claudia's murder, and he doesn't know that Dominic (the name he is going by) is really Dante, the son he never knew he had by Olivia, a woman he slept with 25 years ago before Brenda, Carly, Kate, Alexis and Claudia ever came into the picture.
May these shows never go off the air...cuz if they do...I.Might.Die.
That is all.
I know...it's trashy, trite, totally unbelievable and altogether predictable, but I can't stay away from them. Over the last 15 years, I have been an avid viewer of several soap operas, including, but not limited to, All My Children, One Life To Live, General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless and that's just naming a few. This doesn't even include cancelled shows like Sunset Beach, Another World and the short lived but well liked Spider Games on MTV.
Perhaps it's the appeal of living vicariously through these fictitious characters to achieve lives we will probably never know. Or maybe it's because I want to find out how the writers and actors will portray another random person being added to the family tree because of one freak drunken encounter 25 years ago that they were too afraid to be honest about and have been covering up by paying off the mother to keep her quiet and help them maintain some semblance of normalcy in their everyday lives. I don't know, but something makes me watch, and often.
As a person who went to school for the craft of acting, I respect completely the art form that is the Soap Opera. I mean think about it this way: In 7-10 days, a show like Glee or Grey's Anatomy will film 1 episode. In that same time span, a soap opera will film up to 10 episodes, perhaps more. Crew members also have to take down and put up each set, every single time they move to a new scene location involving new characters, or even one repeating character in a different location. It's crazy!
From the acting perspective, if you are involved in a central storyline, you could be on 5 days a week for several weeks and could therefore have up to 100 pages of dialogue to learn OVERNIGHT! And sometimes the day before that your call time could have been 5 am, and you might be there until 12 or 1 am. So in 4 hours, you have to learn 100 pages of dialogue. I'm sorry what!? Which is why ladies and gentleman, soap operas are blocked the way they are, with a lot of over the shoulder shots and not too often with 2 people in the same shot facing each other. This is to make it easier for the actors to literally read their lines off of cue cards. Hence the reason I respect them so much, because you have to act WHILE you read, and most of the time cry while you read.
Oh! Also, in a series weekly drama, you could get 7, 10, 50 or even 100 takes for one moment. With the soaps, you get 3 tries. If it isn't right on the third try, they edit together the best of the 3 tries to make the finished product. There just isn't enough money in soap operas to be wasting precious film.
Wow, I feel so much better for getting that out there. Now I have to go watch GH, because on friday Sonny shot Dante for being an undercover cop working to have him arrested for his ex-wife Claudia's murder, and he doesn't know that Dominic (the name he is going by) is really Dante, the son he never knew he had by Olivia, a woman he slept with 25 years ago before Brenda, Carly, Kate, Alexis and Claudia ever came into the picture.
May these shows never go off the air...cuz if they do...I.Might.Die.
That is all.
I'm sorry what!?
So I am watching the Grammy Awards right now and they have been hyping this Michael Jackson tribute for I don't know....7 years. THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! Like seriously...Celine Dion, with Jennifer Hudson, Smokie Robinson, Carrie Underwood and Usher!? Could you have chosen 5 people with absolutely NO ties or similarities to Michael Jackson. I mean, why don't you just put Miley Cyrus on stage and call it a day?
How on Earth could any of these people even come close to honoring him the way he really deserves to be honored. And in 3-D no less. A whole Staples Center full of music artists and their big ass 3-D glasses...does ANYONE else think that is totally wierd?
Okay...who names a kid Prince? Wait a minute.....I think I remember at least 1 other Prince out there.....hmmmm.....And why did they have him memorize it. I am LIVID right now. I hope the blogs are going crazy tomorrow with hate for that all together lackluster "tribute" to Michael Jackson.
In the scorecard of tributes....it's MTV 1, and the Grammy's a big fat Goose Egg. Where the flip was Janet? I don't know, maybe it just seems that the Grammys are a little too out there now. It doesn't even seem like people like winning them anymore.
Alright, here is my top 3 performances:
3. Lady GaGa w/Sir Elton John
2. Beyonce...she can do no wrong.
1. PINK!!!! I'm sorry..lip synching or not...SICK!
Bottom 3:
3. Taylor Swift...she looked like she didn't know the words w/ Stevie Nicks
2. Zac Brown Band...not even Gandolf the Grey on the piano could help them.
1. Green Day....and I love Broadway...but don't mess with the original.
Anyone else watch and care to comment? And what did you think of the "tribute?"
How on Earth could any of these people even come close to honoring him the way he really deserves to be honored. And in 3-D no less. A whole Staples Center full of music artists and their big ass 3-D glasses...does ANYONE else think that is totally wierd?
Okay...who names a kid Prince? Wait a minute.....I think I remember at least 1 other Prince out there.....hmmmm.....And why did they have him memorize it. I am LIVID right now. I hope the blogs are going crazy tomorrow with hate for that all together lackluster "tribute" to Michael Jackson.
In the scorecard of tributes....it's MTV 1, and the Grammy's a big fat Goose Egg. Where the flip was Janet? I don't know, maybe it just seems that the Grammys are a little too out there now. It doesn't even seem like people like winning them anymore.
Alright, here is my top 3 performances:
3. Lady GaGa w/Sir Elton John
2. Beyonce...she can do no wrong.
1. PINK!!!! I'm sorry..lip synching or not...SICK!
Bottom 3:
3. Taylor Swift...she looked like she didn't know the words w/ Stevie Nicks
2. Zac Brown Band...not even Gandolf the Grey on the piano could help them.
1. Green Day....and I love Broadway...but don't mess with the original.
Anyone else watch and care to comment? And what did you think of the "tribute?"
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Take It Away!
Okay, so I am totally giving in to the hype and starting a blog. I realized today that I have a ton of thoughts in my head, most cynical, that I want to share with whoever happens across this blog. I make no promises to be witty or cool, nor to I make any promises to be less than I am. Take it or leave it....these will be the thoughts of one PhilbertSing.
Today I had the privilege to attend a UM Women's basketball game, and I must say, it was an interesting experience. First of all, let me say that I have been to a number of these games over the 3 years that my brother has been on the radio for UM women's basketball, and the attendance has been anything but large. I am not saying that women aren't as good or worth watching, it's just been a fact of this team. Today, there were almost 6,000 people at this game! The normal number is 1,600 at best. Also, it was Elementary School Day! Which meant that about 2,000 of those people...were under the age of 10. It was basically like walking into a performance of Annie, where everywhere you turn there was another patron under 3 feet tall.
Anyways, after finding a seat in the upper section, we were treated to the reason behind this blog, and really for beginning it. This couple was very nice, very unassuming...basically your typical over 50 UM fans. Well....this unassuming couple contained a woman who WOULD NOT SHUT UP! For the entire game, every time the opposing team touched the ball she would yell "Take it away!" She meant the ball, and after a while, I was hoping her ability to produce words. Actually, I was doubting her ability to use different words, because the only words she used were "Take it away," "Rebound," and "Good job Girl!".
I found myself hoping that she would choke on her popcorn, or have to pee, anything to make her cough, or just go away. Not the best witness to my faith, but I never vocalized these desires, I just thought about it....for 40 minutes of basketball.
In light and in honor of this woman, I have decided that I will now use this phrase for anything and everything that I can. In the checkout line, during an oil change, at a restaurant...you name it..I will use it there. Just so the rest of the world can know how absolutely annoying it is to hear those words in succession for 2 straight hours.
In other developments today, at this same game, there were 4 contestants from past seasons of NBC's The Biggest Loser. I LOVE THAT SHOW! Karen, who is from SE Michigan was there along with 2 others I didn't know and Pete! Pete is and may always be my absolute most favorite contestant ever on that show. He was on Season 3 or 4 (it can be my favorite wothout knowing little details like what season) and he won the at home prize of 100,00 big ones...and I could have walked right over to him...and I didn't do it. I kept saying to myself go over there...what's it going to hurt? But all I could listen to was "Take it away!"
So thank you, woman of few words. Because of you I not only did I not meet my favorite Biggest Loser contestant, I also started a freaking blog to complain about you! Who says one person can't change the world.
That is all.
Today I had the privilege to attend a UM Women's basketball game, and I must say, it was an interesting experience. First of all, let me say that I have been to a number of these games over the 3 years that my brother has been on the radio for UM women's basketball, and the attendance has been anything but large. I am not saying that women aren't as good or worth watching, it's just been a fact of this team. Today, there were almost 6,000 people at this game! The normal number is 1,600 at best. Also, it was Elementary School Day! Which meant that about 2,000 of those people...were under the age of 10. It was basically like walking into a performance of Annie, where everywhere you turn there was another patron under 3 feet tall.
Anyways, after finding a seat in the upper section, we were treated to the reason behind this blog, and really for beginning it. This couple was very nice, very unassuming...basically your typical over 50 UM fans. Well....this unassuming couple contained a woman who WOULD NOT SHUT UP! For the entire game, every time the opposing team touched the ball she would yell "Take it away!" She meant the ball, and after a while, I was hoping her ability to produce words. Actually, I was doubting her ability to use different words, because the only words she used were "Take it away," "Rebound," and "Good job Girl!".
I found myself hoping that she would choke on her popcorn, or have to pee, anything to make her cough, or just go away. Not the best witness to my faith, but I never vocalized these desires, I just thought about it....for 40 minutes of basketball.
In light and in honor of this woman, I have decided that I will now use this phrase for anything and everything that I can. In the checkout line, during an oil change, at a restaurant...you name it..I will use it there. Just so the rest of the world can know how absolutely annoying it is to hear those words in succession for 2 straight hours.
In other developments today, at this same game, there were 4 contestants from past seasons of NBC's The Biggest Loser. I LOVE THAT SHOW! Karen, who is from SE Michigan was there along with 2 others I didn't know and Pete! Pete is and may always be my absolute most favorite contestant ever on that show. He was on Season 3 or 4 (it can be my favorite wothout knowing little details like what season) and he won the at home prize of 100,00 big ones...and I could have walked right over to him...and I didn't do it. I kept saying to myself go over there...what's it going to hurt? But all I could listen to was "Take it away!"
So thank you, woman of few words. Because of you I not only did I not meet my favorite Biggest Loser contestant, I also started a freaking blog to complain about you! Who says one person can't change the world.
That is all.
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