Phil is spelled F.A.I.L.

I feel like a massive and monumental failure lately. I have found myself stewing and festering on the things in my life which make me feel insignificant. For example, there are several people that I work with who receive 15 text messages in an hour. From friends, from family, from husbands/wives/boyfriends; etc. I go an entire week sometimes without one of my friends texting me, or even responding to the texts that I send them. Something must be slightly wrong with me that most of the people in my life can go a week without talking to me. Hell, most of the people in my life go multiple weeks without talking to me. Is this because I am a person who is unfit to be cared for, or that I have surrounded myself with people who may struggle with that as well? Is it true that we tend to gravitate towards people with similar interest and by default similar struggles and shortcomings? Do we ever succeed in relationships?

I think I am going to move at the end of my lease here. I need a change. I need to be in a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. A place where I can literally start over. Where I can feel lonely because I don't know a single person in the town. So far my top choices are Chicago, NYC, Virginia Beach and Orlando. They are the locations with the most opportunities with BOA, and with a large number of people to get lost into. I would like the chance to succeed at relationships. A chance to lay down at the end of the day and feel like I am impacting someones life, and they are impacting mine. A chance to say that I have someone or some people to "do life" with. I want to fight through trials with someone, to celebrate joy with someone, and most of all feel like there is someone who I can call at anytime and for any reason. I feel right now that I don't have that person, that friend who can be my rock, who can speak truth to me when I am believing lies. All of these do not exist in this town.

It also doesn't help that Ann Arbor is becoming the new Hollywood. What better way to make a person who majored in acting, and who dreamed about being in those movies for his entire life feel more insignificant than to have multiple movies being shot here at one time. Almost everywhere you go, you see a movie trailer, a craft services tent, roads closed for the big names to do their thing. Extra casting calls come out by the day, but you can't go because of the fact that you have to work to afford your new digs. Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Topher Grace, Richard Gere and Drew Barrymore have all been in town to shoot their latest big screen adventure...and instead of me trying to be in them...I have to be a teller instead.

I need to quit my bitching. I am not the only person on earth who has suspended their dreams because of the necessity to eat and have shelter. There are probably thousands if not tens of thousands of people doing the same thing every single day across the country. I would be stupid to think I am the only one with unfulfilled dreams..because I am not.

I just need to change the spelling of my name...F.A.I.L. is far more accurate.

Until next time.