kind of a mess..

First of all, let me say that being sick sucks! How does one person spend an hour with 4 sick people and catch it, when another person who spent 72 hours with the same sick people does not get sick? I hate being sick. You're hot, then you're cold (it's black and it's white...sorry) then you're achy and weak. It is stupid. How can we advance so far in medicine and STILL not have a cure for the common cold? Where is the group searching for the cure for that? Isn't it up there on the list with AIDS, Cancer, Autism and Down Syndrome?

But I digress. My head has been all over the place today. I've been excited, nervous, angry, hurt, happy, sad, disheartened, annoyed...literally all over the place. Maybe it is the fact that I have this awful cold right now, but it is most likely the fact that when I have time to look at my life and think about it; I am kind of a mess. I live with a man who couldn't care less if he lives or dies. He isn't controlling his diabetes, and a once active man has become nothing more than a bump on a log. He is in pajamas by 5 pm, and in bed by 830 on most nights. This is where I live. In the year and a half that I have lived with him, I have never had a group of people not with my last name over for any length of time. I have a morsel of bitterness and contempt that is slowly but surely growing roots that are deep. I don't want to be that person, but the fact remains in my family, that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I miss my life. I miss my solitude. I miss my time alone, when it was my choice. Right now it is not my choice to be alone...it is my bondage. I am being forced to live life alone, apart from everyone that I hold close to my heart. Now here is where the problem lies. Yes I live a long ways away from almost everyone in my life. Yes I chose to live here instead of finding alternate housing. I did not however, choose to have many of my friends cease to pursue me because of my living with my father. You know what...this is the easy way out. Blaming others for my own deficiencies is totally inappropriate. I settled into this situation, and I have let it get to this boiling point. I am solely responsible for the mess it has become.

Good thing no one reads this blog...I sound pretty pathetic. But what better way to sound pathetic that to your lonely old self. Case in point to my loneliness...even this blog points it out. Oh freakin well.

This is the end of this post..because I am now annoying myself. And my wrists hurt from typing.