Whatever....

I know blogs are supposed to be witty, and they are supposed to be this place where you exhibit your skills in how many metaphors you can use in one entry. Well tonight, after this day, and after this week so far...I say WHATEVER! I am so tired of this. I am so tired of dealing with this and having it be so solitary. There really aren't many people in my life who could begin to understand what it is that I am going through, and that sucks.

There is stress around every corner. Some unresolved issue that keeps poking its head above the proverbial water to bother me. I am tired of it. I am tired of fighting it, and all I want to do is give up. Forget about the alleged "progress" and the stupid goals I have for my future and give in to what apparently everyone around me can see. Even strangers question it and comment on it. Where is the sign on me that points out my issues to the world? What is it that I did to make me the recipient of such a wonderful fate?

Now I am whining...I sound annoying.

I have found myself this week hiding from everything and everyone. I have chosen bitterness and contempt over sanity and clarity of thought. I have literally given in to the dark side of my thought life. And you know what? I don't even care. There is an odd comfort of giving in to the lies you are told about yourself. These lies were once described to me as our "tapes." These tapes can manifest themselves in many different situations. You could be driving in your car and hear tapes like, you aren't pretty enough, the person you're going to see doesn't want to see you...and the list goes on. My tape is that my struggles and issues discredit me from living life to the full. That the very things that make me different make me unworthy of the friendships I have because "if they really knew me" they wouldn't come within 10 feet of me.

This is my life, day in and day out. I live with these tapes and struggle to control them before they control me. I have good days and bad days, and so far this week has been nothing but bad days. That doesn't mean that the rest of the week couldn't go wonderfully, that would be great in fact, but for right now....this is where I am at.

What I need is some sort of hopeful outlook. I need to find that spot inside of me that still believes that I can defeat all of this and go on and live the life that I truly desire to live.

Now if I could just figure out what the hell that means, I'll be on my way to figuring out and obtaining "the life I want to live."

I am so screwed.