and the emotions begin...

I just spent 8 days in a row, 24/7..well 24/8 with my mother. I know this may not seem like a huge undertaking, it is after all my mother, but my mom is the source of a great deal of pain and mistrust in my life. In fact, there may be no other person in my life who has hurt me more, and not asked for forgiveness or realized how it is I have been hurt, than her. For the better part of 10 years now, my mom and I have grown apart, allowing ourselves to be hurt and not allow the other to know about it, and thus learn from it by apologizing and growing closer.

Instead, the opposite has happened for us. I have hurt her, she has hurt me, and we have let those hurts build walls around our hearts when it comes to the other person. Our relationship has become shallow, marred by shallow conversations and not wanting to go too deep or show too much emotion for fear of judgment or ridicule. I do not have the time or the energy to type every hurt that has come up, but only to process through what I think I have learned from this 8 days of emotional turmoil really.

First in my mind is the fact that I have broken my moms trust, and I haven't earned that trust back from her. I have failed to pay back some debts that I had with her, and that affected her ability to trust that I would fully pay for my part of the trip that we just went on. When I asked her for grace in repaying my debt to her in more than one lump sum, she responded rather harshly, telling me that if I didn't have the money to go, I would either figure out a way, or not go. She mentioned that she would not give the grace I asked for because she didn't fully trust that i would pay it back. In essence, she thought I was trying to cheat my way into a free week of vacation. It was actually mentioned several times that I would "like to see her pay for everything and get a free ride." Ouch #1. Would that have been nice? hell yeah! But it was not something that I expected, or even wanted, and without the trust she would never be able to see that. She just thought it was the same old song and dance as it always has been with me...thus no grace in repaying the debt.

Next, I do not trust her with my privacy. She stayed with me here for the 8 days, and before she came I literally "mom-proofed" my apartment. Almost like you do a child that's learning to walk by softening sharp edges, or moving items higher up, I hid personal belongings that she might like to pilfer through. Items such as mail, bank account info, credit card statement, and my sex and the city series DVD's. I was convinced that while I was in the shower, she would snoop and find whatever she could to confront me with how I live my life and what a bad witness my life is and so on and so forth. I cannot count how many times that act has led to that conversation in the last 10 years. It is a large number, and I have not forgotten about any of the times that it has happened. Ouch #2. For each of those instances, not one has come with an apology for how it could have hurt me, and none have come with the understanding that it won't happen again. As a result, I approach each of our visits with an extreme amount of caution, causing the wall to be just a little bit thicker.

Still another item...the divorce. We are now almost 1 and 1/2 years into it, and still nothing has been resolved, and because I have no family of my own, I have to be set square in the middle of it. Adding tot he drama of the week, my dads birthday was the week that she was here, bringing their failed relationship to the forefront of our conversation for the ENTIRE 8 days. We talked about it at least once a day, and no less than 2 hours after she arrived at my apartment. I don't know if I have ever felt more uncomfortable and annoyed in all of my life. Even when they were yelling and swearing at each other in the next room as a child, it was all dwarfed by being in the middle of two near senior citizens bitter divorce. An end to a relationship that was as bitter or more than the divorce itself. Our conversation was centered around her being the victim...and money. Everything was on someone else, and she was left to suffer alone in Florida. Her SPENDING had to go down, her BILLS became an issue, she had to learn to BUDGET, but my dad was sitting pretty with a 401K, pension and IRA....oh goodness what a mess.

I cannot believe that there is such a rift in this relationship. I mean, its my mother, and I can't seem to find a way to truly love her. Everything is so guarded, so cautious. How can you have a relationship where you never show the real you? I did learn however that my heart is the one that is hardened. My mom wants so badly to be close to me, and wants so badly to have a real, true, and authentic relationship with me, but I am too scarred to allow that to happen. I want so badly to hear I'm sorry, and I need so badly to know that she understands HOW she hurt me. Somehow I need to get to a place where I understand her a little bit more, a place where I understand her thought process, and why she reacts and says the things that she does. The only issue is how. I see her 2 times per year, and soon probably only once, maybe even less.

How do you forgive without hearing I'm sorry? How do you move on without looking back? How do you look forward without understanding the past? Perhaps this is why a lot of my relationships are shallow. It is very possible that I could take this same caution into my friendships, thus making them skin deep. Have I shown anyone the real me?

Better yet, who the hell is the real me? 27, alone, emotional, and confused. I write to a blog that no one sees, that could be the first sign of a problem. Shouldn't I want my friends to read my thoughts, and understand what's going on in my head? I feel ashamed of my emotions....

I am destined to die alone.

Phil is spelled H.U.R.T.

I just am in total shock right now. I feel like I am being cut by a razor blade, very slowly, yet meticulously enough to make me slowly bleed to death. I am in the most stressful situation I have been in in quite some time, and I just don't see a way out of it. I have been having these visions of myself in a corner crying from hunger, embarrassment and shame. I have this terribly irrational fear that I am going to lose everything and wind up alone because all of my channels of help will have abandoned me.

Here's the 411. I got hours cut at the bank, I haven't worked at the hotel in 2 weeks, and before that it wasn't all that often to begin with. I don't have money to burn. I don't even have the extra money for a loaf of bread. Literally every dollar has to be accounted for, and if I can go without it...I have to. I am about to go on a vacation with my mother that will cost me 300 dollars. I have been squandering every dollar in hopes of saving enough for this vacation....obviously I was hoping for more frequent work at the hotel to aid in this goal. In any case, it hasn't happened and I don't have the total amount. I did express this to my mom through email, and asked for grace in paying my debt back in 2 or 3 installments. The email in response to that....was literally scathing.

She told me that we never agreed to have me pay her back gradually, and that she will not pay for my half of the cost. If I need money, I will need to find other channels to get it to give her the money that I owe her. This is my mother. I know that I need to honor the commitment that I made, and I have every intention of making that happen, but for goodness sakes, sometimes life happens and it changes what we're able to accomplish. It was never my plan to lose hours at both of my jobs at the same time, who in the hell would ever plan for that? Heaven forbid that an unforeseen circumstance come in the way of 300 hundred dollars.

But whatever, I will play along. I will try my other channel for possibly helping me out. If that doesn't happen..well then I guess I am not just slightly screwed, I am a new kind of royally screwed. I have so many emotions happening right now. Anger, hurt, bitterness, rage, pity, confusion, numbness, shock...all rotating in and out at any moment in the day. I just don't understand my life. I am struggling with feeling edified, and this happens. I feel like a failure, and this correspondence happens. What is going on right now? I feel absolutely miserable.

One more trail to add to the growing list. Is this all worth it? What is the prize waiting for me at the end of all of this?

All I am saying, is it better be mind-blowing good..we're talking jaw dropping. God is in control right? I sure hope so.

Phil is spelled F.A.I.L.

I feel like a massive and monumental failure lately. I have found myself stewing and festering on the things in my life which make me feel insignificant. For example, there are several people that I work with who receive 15 text messages in an hour. From friends, from family, from husbands/wives/boyfriends; etc. I go an entire week sometimes without one of my friends texting me, or even responding to the texts that I send them. Something must be slightly wrong with me that most of the people in my life can go a week without talking to me. Hell, most of the people in my life go multiple weeks without talking to me. Is this because I am a person who is unfit to be cared for, or that I have surrounded myself with people who may struggle with that as well? Is it true that we tend to gravitate towards people with similar interest and by default similar struggles and shortcomings? Do we ever succeed in relationships?

I think I am going to move at the end of my lease here. I need a change. I need to be in a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. A place where I can literally start over. Where I can feel lonely because I don't know a single person in the town. So far my top choices are Chicago, NYC, Virginia Beach and Orlando. They are the locations with the most opportunities with BOA, and with a large number of people to get lost into. I would like the chance to succeed at relationships. A chance to lay down at the end of the day and feel like I am impacting someones life, and they are impacting mine. A chance to say that I have someone or some people to "do life" with. I want to fight through trials with someone, to celebrate joy with someone, and most of all feel like there is someone who I can call at anytime and for any reason. I feel right now that I don't have that person, that friend who can be my rock, who can speak truth to me when I am believing lies. All of these do not exist in this town.

It also doesn't help that Ann Arbor is becoming the new Hollywood. What better way to make a person who majored in acting, and who dreamed about being in those movies for his entire life feel more insignificant than to have multiple movies being shot here at one time. Almost everywhere you go, you see a movie trailer, a craft services tent, roads closed for the big names to do their thing. Extra casting calls come out by the day, but you can't go because of the fact that you have to work to afford your new digs. Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Topher Grace, Richard Gere and Drew Barrymore have all been in town to shoot their latest big screen adventure...and instead of me trying to be in them...I have to be a teller instead.

I need to quit my bitching. I am not the only person on earth who has suspended their dreams because of the necessity to eat and have shelter. There are probably thousands if not tens of thousands of people doing the same thing every single day across the country. I would be stupid to think I am the only one with unfulfilled dreams..because I am not.

I just need to change the spelling of my name...F.A.I.L. is far more accurate.

Until next time.