I literally do not know the right thing to do.
2 months ago, I discovered that my apartment has a particularly annoying leak. I don't know a leak that isn't annoying, but I digress. Above the doorwall, in the track of the doorwall, as well as the window in my bedroom...all leak or allow water to come into the apartment. Like I said, this discovery was made on July 3rd. After 3 maintenance requests, I was told that a contractor would need to come in, and the building would need to be sprayed in order for the brick to be returned to its waterproof state. This was around July 29th. I was told that since the first of the month was looming, no contractor would be able to come out because they would be busy with first of the month duties. I was told by mid August, it should be easier to find a contractor to come and do the job.
Today is August 23rd. No contractor, no update, no fix, and no water free apartment. So I stopped into the office today for an update. I was told "we didn't forget about you, when they told me you were here I knew exactly what you were here for, and we didn't forget about you." Great! It's nice to be remembered. Except, I was told the same thing, the painters need to do the spraying, one side of the building was done, and now it was time for the other. Everyone agreed it was time for the building to be sprayed. So I asked: "How much longer are we talking here?" The answer, "it will be at least a few more weeks. how is it going up there?" To which I calmly replied that every time that it rains, I have water in my apartment. He assures me that he already has the equipment,m he just needs the contractor.
Great! The equipment is here...half the battle right? I left at least encouraged that they still know there is an issue and have recognized that it needs to be fixed. However, not an hour later a note comes under the door. I thought it might have been about the earthquake that happened this afternoon, or perhaps it was to inform me that they had found a contractor and scheduled a time to spray and fix the building. Well, optimism has never been my thing, and here is the reason why. The note read:
"Dear Residents, This notice is to advise all residents that on Wednesday, August 31st, Premier Pest Management, Inc. will be performing services to the outside of your building. This treatment is a power spray treatment that will be used to prevent and/or rid your building of beetles, bugs, spiders, bees and wasps." It goes on to say the time of the work, the fees incurred should anyone not comply, and thanking us for our cooperation.
If it wasn't obvious, the equipment was not in fact for the work needed for my building. It was instead for the use of power spraying the building so we wouldn't have to deal with unwanted crawlers or flyers. Like really? You are going to look me in the face and tell me that the equipment is here and expect me to believe that once this power spray is done, the equipment won't be returned to where ever it is it came from? Like really? In the immortal words of several of my favorite TV characters "Seriously!? Seriously."
Needless to say, I don't know what to do because I have never been in this situation before with an apartment that I have lived in. All of my apartments have been wonderful, and I have made a maintenance request all but one time in the past. This is uncharted territory for me. Do I ask out of my lease? Do I refuse to pay rent? If so, how does one inform your landlord that you aren't going to pay them for your apartment? How does a resident actually fight and win this seemingly unwinnable battle? I'm prepared to move, I have no desire to live in an apartment that will never be fixed. But how does one get out without losing their security deposit and free from paying any penalty fees for leaving a lease early?
Who am I to think that the management would allow a job so large to happen for one single apartment? If no other apartments have complained of water in their apartments, is there really any urgency to fix my problem? I mean, this is kind of a big job. Renting the crane, the materials needed to fix it, the man power of your painters. I am losing hope rapidly...
Bottom line: I'm screwed.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
I need a change
There comes a time in life when you just have to admit that you need a change. I have been coming to that realization more and more everyday. A2 has been great, and the 10 years that I have been here have brought so many great things for me. But A2 is not the end for me. I don't see my future here, and I don't picture life to the full for myself here. I picture the emptiness that plagues me each day I open my eyes to greet the sun.
Emptiness fills my personal life as much as it does my "professional" life, if that's what you want to call working for a hotel banquet center. I miss the joy that teaching brought me at RR, the rush and the high that came from making an impact in a positive way. Not in a self-serving, arrogant kind of way, but the feeling that your work and your presence may actually be a force to positively affect not just a room, but the greater whole of operation bigger than yourself. I miss the gift that I feel I was given, I mourn the opportunities to utilize it. I can only hope and pray that in the near future, and for many years to come, that I may be able to use and utilize that gift for the greater good of youth in some town in some area of the country, or the world abroad.
Emptiness is such an interesting feeling, emotion, state of being or whatever you want to call it. The actual event is anything but empty. It is all consuming, like a flood, or the beauty of the sunset. Every action and every word results from the overwhelming effect of emptiness on a person's life. I would be the poster child for that these last several months. The monotony of my job, the feeling that I am not moving forward, the reality that my friendships have crumbled under the weight of my insecurity and cold heart have all combined to put me in the throws of emptiness.
Life shouldn't be this difficult. Yes there are trials and tribulations, and yes there are days when you wish you could rewind and live the day before, but when blinking seems too much, there is a problem. Here's how I feel right now: I feel like my life is the aftermath of a flood. Like a Katrina flood, when the levee system fails and water 2o feet deep overtakes a home. The water that flows through the streets and enters the home has become stagnant, and is filled with oil, mud, dead fish, cars and God knows what else. Basically, the water has become diseased, and the longer it takes to recede, the more damage is done to the house. The longer it sits, the more condemned it becomes. I am the home, and I feel like everything in my life is slowly being filled with dank, stagnant and disease filled water. Black mold is forming around my heart, and I feel like the only thing left to do is condemn me for tear down and rebuilding. A2 is my flood, and I feel like I need to rebuild in a new location, and leave the feelings and struggles of this place behind.
I don't know what the next 12 months will hold for me, but I hope it involves steps forward, and not backward. Here's hoping....
Emptiness fills my personal life as much as it does my "professional" life, if that's what you want to call working for a hotel banquet center. I miss the joy that teaching brought me at RR, the rush and the high that came from making an impact in a positive way. Not in a self-serving, arrogant kind of way, but the feeling that your work and your presence may actually be a force to positively affect not just a room, but the greater whole of operation bigger than yourself. I miss the gift that I feel I was given, I mourn the opportunities to utilize it. I can only hope and pray that in the near future, and for many years to come, that I may be able to use and utilize that gift for the greater good of youth in some town in some area of the country, or the world abroad.
Emptiness is such an interesting feeling, emotion, state of being or whatever you want to call it. The actual event is anything but empty. It is all consuming, like a flood, or the beauty of the sunset. Every action and every word results from the overwhelming effect of emptiness on a person's life. I would be the poster child for that these last several months. The monotony of my job, the feeling that I am not moving forward, the reality that my friendships have crumbled under the weight of my insecurity and cold heart have all combined to put me in the throws of emptiness.
Life shouldn't be this difficult. Yes there are trials and tribulations, and yes there are days when you wish you could rewind and live the day before, but when blinking seems too much, there is a problem. Here's how I feel right now: I feel like my life is the aftermath of a flood. Like a Katrina flood, when the levee system fails and water 2o feet deep overtakes a home. The water that flows through the streets and enters the home has become stagnant, and is filled with oil, mud, dead fish, cars and God knows what else. Basically, the water has become diseased, and the longer it takes to recede, the more damage is done to the house. The longer it sits, the more condemned it becomes. I am the home, and I feel like everything in my life is slowly being filled with dank, stagnant and disease filled water. Black mold is forming around my heart, and I feel like the only thing left to do is condemn me for tear down and rebuilding. A2 is my flood, and I feel like I need to rebuild in a new location, and leave the feelings and struggles of this place behind.
I don't know what the next 12 months will hold for me, but I hope it involves steps forward, and not backward. Here's hoping....
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I don't even know
I don't even know what to say. I really hate my life right now. I can honestly say that I have never felt more hopeless about my current stage of life than I did today. Not once did I feel alive, bot once did I feel proud of who I am and what I am doing. I only felt demoralized, useless, under appreciated. I can't remember another time in my recent years when I have felt this incredibly worthless.
I should be excited right now! I am going to go back to school to pursue a dream of mine to be an educator! The future is starting for me now, why can't I be excited about it? Everyday that begins anew involving a trip to that wretched bank makes me feel so horribly depressed that sometimes I want to cry at the thought of it. Each day brings the exact same occurrences, so much so that it has become predictable. The only elements that are unknown is how long and how bad the daily devilries will be. I realize this makes me sound like a victim of molestation or something awful, but that really is what it feels like.
I am hoping, praying, almost begging for financial aid to be able to cover what I need to live without having to be at that awful horrible terrible monstrosity that is the bank that I work at. Seriously it is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my working life. No one that I work with seems to care or understand what exactly it is like for me. I am just supposed to deal with it. I deserve to work in an atmosphere that is uplifting, and nurturing, not damaging and condemning.
I am so depressed.
I should be excited right now! I am going to go back to school to pursue a dream of mine to be an educator! The future is starting for me now, why can't I be excited about it? Everyday that begins anew involving a trip to that wretched bank makes me feel so horribly depressed that sometimes I want to cry at the thought of it. Each day brings the exact same occurrences, so much so that it has become predictable. The only elements that are unknown is how long and how bad the daily devilries will be. I realize this makes me sound like a victim of molestation or something awful, but that really is what it feels like.
I am hoping, praying, almost begging for financial aid to be able to cover what I need to live without having to be at that awful horrible terrible monstrosity that is the bank that I work at. Seriously it is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my working life. No one that I work with seems to care or understand what exactly it is like for me. I am just supposed to deal with it. I deserve to work in an atmosphere that is uplifting, and nurturing, not damaging and condemning.
I am so depressed.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Am I wearing a sign of some kind.....?
It's been a hot minute since my last rant...so I figured I needed to make up for lost time in a big way.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS TOWN LATELY!? In this case I am specifically talking about the drivers in this town. When did the speed limit become scary? I mean, has there been a law of some kind passed that says we have to go 10 mph UNDER the speed limit in order to be in compliance of it? Two specific areas come to mind right now. 1.) The light at Washtenaw and Carpenter...turning onto Carpenter from Washtenaw Ave. I do not know what the hell people are thinking when they make that turn...but it takes them to the light at packard to hit 40 mph. THE SPEED LIMIT IS 45!!!!! I don't think you understand how much this pisses me off. There is absolutely no reason to go 35 mph down Carptenter road...but people do it! 2.) Washtenaw and Huron Parkway...AFTER the light. I cannot tell you how many times I get stuck behind some Mr (or Mrs) Magoo that is hellbent on going 30-35 mph on our way toward the washtenaw/stadium split. It takes all of the power of the Holy Spirit inside of me not to cause immense and terrible road rage not seen since the chase put on by OJ Simpson in 19 freakin 95 or whatever year it was. Seriously, it makes me super super super super mad.
Onto other business now. I have been thinking a lot lately about the existence of stereotypes. What they are and who the predominately apply to. Why they possibly began. If people really do embody or support this notion of characteristics designated to a class of people. I really wanted to think that there was no such thing, and that these generalizations exist to make us all feel like we belong to something, rather than being 6 billion plus complete individuals with nothing to bond us to each other. It has become painfully obvious that this is just not the case. There really are certain characteristics of human beings that gravitate them toward a certain interest or idea, and thus develop how they think, act, interact and live out their day to day lives. I will use the example I am most often subject to...athletes. We have quite a few U of M athletes come through the hotel, and almost every single one of them fits the mold of a typical athlete. They eat a lot, they sleep a lot, they live and breathe their sport, and they are insensitive, ignorant, and often sexist asses. There is a stigma with athletes that says that if you are around your same sex free of clothing almost everyday of your life for many many years...it is going to cause sexual confusion or awkward locker room moments. The result of this stigma is extreme homophobia and the free use of the f bomb...fag. In one conversation that lasted 2 minutes between 8 basketball players, I heard fag, gay, or faggot no less that 20 times. It was almost every other word at one point, being said by each player almost in..wait for it....stereo. So what does all of this mean? It means that I have shifted my belief that stereotypes are a myth. They are in face very real, but not necessarily a by-product of ignorance. I believe that stereotypes are a survival mechanism used by many to bring comfort, or deflect shame, for either being a certain way, or having an interest deemed odd or "uncool." Could it be that athletes had a stereotype thrust upon them of being gay at one point, and this was the coping mechanism that resulted? Is it really outside the realm of possibility that all of the negative stereotypes out there grew as a result of reverse psychology? Could stereotypes have evolved because of a groups desperate attempt to be the opposite of what they were accused of being? Did "goth" kids once wear an array of colors? Were actors once mellow and quiet? I don't know if I am making any sense, but that is what I have been thinking about, in terms of stereotypes anyway.
That's all for now....see you in a few more months.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS TOWN LATELY!? In this case I am specifically talking about the drivers in this town. When did the speed limit become scary? I mean, has there been a law of some kind passed that says we have to go 10 mph UNDER the speed limit in order to be in compliance of it? Two specific areas come to mind right now. 1.) The light at Washtenaw and Carpenter...turning onto Carpenter from Washtenaw Ave. I do not know what the hell people are thinking when they make that turn...but it takes them to the light at packard to hit 40 mph. THE SPEED LIMIT IS 45!!!!! I don't think you understand how much this pisses me off. There is absolutely no reason to go 35 mph down Carptenter road...but people do it! 2.) Washtenaw and Huron Parkway...AFTER the light. I cannot tell you how many times I get stuck behind some Mr (or Mrs) Magoo that is hellbent on going 30-35 mph on our way toward the washtenaw/stadium split. It takes all of the power of the Holy Spirit inside of me not to cause immense and terrible road rage not seen since the chase put on by OJ Simpson in 19 freakin 95 or whatever year it was. Seriously, it makes me super super super super mad.
Onto other business now. I have been thinking a lot lately about the existence of stereotypes. What they are and who the predominately apply to. Why they possibly began. If people really do embody or support this notion of characteristics designated to a class of people. I really wanted to think that there was no such thing, and that these generalizations exist to make us all feel like we belong to something, rather than being 6 billion plus complete individuals with nothing to bond us to each other. It has become painfully obvious that this is just not the case. There really are certain characteristics of human beings that gravitate them toward a certain interest or idea, and thus develop how they think, act, interact and live out their day to day lives. I will use the example I am most often subject to...athletes. We have quite a few U of M athletes come through the hotel, and almost every single one of them fits the mold of a typical athlete. They eat a lot, they sleep a lot, they live and breathe their sport, and they are insensitive, ignorant, and often sexist asses. There is a stigma with athletes that says that if you are around your same sex free of clothing almost everyday of your life for many many years...it is going to cause sexual confusion or awkward locker room moments. The result of this stigma is extreme homophobia and the free use of the f bomb...fag. In one conversation that lasted 2 minutes between 8 basketball players, I heard fag, gay, or faggot no less that 20 times. It was almost every other word at one point, being said by each player almost in..wait for it....stereo. So what does all of this mean? It means that I have shifted my belief that stereotypes are a myth. They are in face very real, but not necessarily a by-product of ignorance. I believe that stereotypes are a survival mechanism used by many to bring comfort, or deflect shame, for either being a certain way, or having an interest deemed odd or "uncool." Could it be that athletes had a stereotype thrust upon them of being gay at one point, and this was the coping mechanism that resulted? Is it really outside the realm of possibility that all of the negative stereotypes out there grew as a result of reverse psychology? Could stereotypes have evolved because of a groups desperate attempt to be the opposite of what they were accused of being? Did "goth" kids once wear an array of colors? Were actors once mellow and quiet? I don't know if I am making any sense, but that is what I have been thinking about, in terms of stereotypes anyway.
That's all for now....see you in a few more months.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
and the emotions begin...
I just spent 8 days in a row, 24/7..well 24/8 with my mother. I know this may not seem like a huge undertaking, it is after all my mother, but my mom is the source of a great deal of pain and mistrust in my life. In fact, there may be no other person in my life who has hurt me more, and not asked for forgiveness or realized how it is I have been hurt, than her. For the better part of 10 years now, my mom and I have grown apart, allowing ourselves to be hurt and not allow the other to know about it, and thus learn from it by apologizing and growing closer.
Instead, the opposite has happened for us. I have hurt her, she has hurt me, and we have let those hurts build walls around our hearts when it comes to the other person. Our relationship has become shallow, marred by shallow conversations and not wanting to go too deep or show too much emotion for fear of judgment or ridicule. I do not have the time or the energy to type every hurt that has come up, but only to process through what I think I have learned from this 8 days of emotional turmoil really.
First in my mind is the fact that I have broken my moms trust, and I haven't earned that trust back from her. I have failed to pay back some debts that I had with her, and that affected her ability to trust that I would fully pay for my part of the trip that we just went on. When I asked her for grace in repaying my debt to her in more than one lump sum, she responded rather harshly, telling me that if I didn't have the money to go, I would either figure out a way, or not go. She mentioned that she would not give the grace I asked for because she didn't fully trust that i would pay it back. In essence, she thought I was trying to cheat my way into a free week of vacation. It was actually mentioned several times that I would "like to see her pay for everything and get a free ride." Ouch #1. Would that have been nice? hell yeah! But it was not something that I expected, or even wanted, and without the trust she would never be able to see that. She just thought it was the same old song and dance as it always has been with me...thus no grace in repaying the debt.
Next, I do not trust her with my privacy. She stayed with me here for the 8 days, and before she came I literally "mom-proofed" my apartment. Almost like you do a child that's learning to walk by softening sharp edges, or moving items higher up, I hid personal belongings that she might like to pilfer through. Items such as mail, bank account info, credit card statement, and my sex and the city series DVD's. I was convinced that while I was in the shower, she would snoop and find whatever she could to confront me with how I live my life and what a bad witness my life is and so on and so forth. I cannot count how many times that act has led to that conversation in the last 10 years. It is a large number, and I have not forgotten about any of the times that it has happened. Ouch #2. For each of those instances, not one has come with an apology for how it could have hurt me, and none have come with the understanding that it won't happen again. As a result, I approach each of our visits with an extreme amount of caution, causing the wall to be just a little bit thicker.
Still another item...the divorce. We are now almost 1 and 1/2 years into it, and still nothing has been resolved, and because I have no family of my own, I have to be set square in the middle of it. Adding tot he drama of the week, my dads birthday was the week that she was here, bringing their failed relationship to the forefront of our conversation for the ENTIRE 8 days. We talked about it at least once a day, and no less than 2 hours after she arrived at my apartment. I don't know if I have ever felt more uncomfortable and annoyed in all of my life. Even when they were yelling and swearing at each other in the next room as a child, it was all dwarfed by being in the middle of two near senior citizens bitter divorce. An end to a relationship that was as bitter or more than the divorce itself. Our conversation was centered around her being the victim...and money. Everything was on someone else, and she was left to suffer alone in Florida. Her SPENDING had to go down, her BILLS became an issue, she had to learn to BUDGET, but my dad was sitting pretty with a 401K, pension and IRA....oh goodness what a mess.
I cannot believe that there is such a rift in this relationship. I mean, its my mother, and I can't seem to find a way to truly love her. Everything is so guarded, so cautious. How can you have a relationship where you never show the real you? I did learn however that my heart is the one that is hardened. My mom wants so badly to be close to me, and wants so badly to have a real, true, and authentic relationship with me, but I am too scarred to allow that to happen. I want so badly to hear I'm sorry, and I need so badly to know that she understands HOW she hurt me. Somehow I need to get to a place where I understand her a little bit more, a place where I understand her thought process, and why she reacts and says the things that she does. The only issue is how. I see her 2 times per year, and soon probably only once, maybe even less.
How do you forgive without hearing I'm sorry? How do you move on without looking back? How do you look forward without understanding the past? Perhaps this is why a lot of my relationships are shallow. It is very possible that I could take this same caution into my friendships, thus making them skin deep. Have I shown anyone the real me?
Better yet, who the hell is the real me? 27, alone, emotional, and confused. I write to a blog that no one sees, that could be the first sign of a problem. Shouldn't I want my friends to read my thoughts, and understand what's going on in my head? I feel ashamed of my emotions....
I am destined to die alone.
Instead, the opposite has happened for us. I have hurt her, she has hurt me, and we have let those hurts build walls around our hearts when it comes to the other person. Our relationship has become shallow, marred by shallow conversations and not wanting to go too deep or show too much emotion for fear of judgment or ridicule. I do not have the time or the energy to type every hurt that has come up, but only to process through what I think I have learned from this 8 days of emotional turmoil really.
First in my mind is the fact that I have broken my moms trust, and I haven't earned that trust back from her. I have failed to pay back some debts that I had with her, and that affected her ability to trust that I would fully pay for my part of the trip that we just went on. When I asked her for grace in repaying my debt to her in more than one lump sum, she responded rather harshly, telling me that if I didn't have the money to go, I would either figure out a way, or not go. She mentioned that she would not give the grace I asked for because she didn't fully trust that i would pay it back. In essence, she thought I was trying to cheat my way into a free week of vacation. It was actually mentioned several times that I would "like to see her pay for everything and get a free ride." Ouch #1. Would that have been nice? hell yeah! But it was not something that I expected, or even wanted, and without the trust she would never be able to see that. She just thought it was the same old song and dance as it always has been with me...thus no grace in repaying the debt.
Next, I do not trust her with my privacy. She stayed with me here for the 8 days, and before she came I literally "mom-proofed" my apartment. Almost like you do a child that's learning to walk by softening sharp edges, or moving items higher up, I hid personal belongings that she might like to pilfer through. Items such as mail, bank account info, credit card statement, and my sex and the city series DVD's. I was convinced that while I was in the shower, she would snoop and find whatever she could to confront me with how I live my life and what a bad witness my life is and so on and so forth. I cannot count how many times that act has led to that conversation in the last 10 years. It is a large number, and I have not forgotten about any of the times that it has happened. Ouch #2. For each of those instances, not one has come with an apology for how it could have hurt me, and none have come with the understanding that it won't happen again. As a result, I approach each of our visits with an extreme amount of caution, causing the wall to be just a little bit thicker.
Still another item...the divorce. We are now almost 1 and 1/2 years into it, and still nothing has been resolved, and because I have no family of my own, I have to be set square in the middle of it. Adding tot he drama of the week, my dads birthday was the week that she was here, bringing their failed relationship to the forefront of our conversation for the ENTIRE 8 days. We talked about it at least once a day, and no less than 2 hours after she arrived at my apartment. I don't know if I have ever felt more uncomfortable and annoyed in all of my life. Even when they were yelling and swearing at each other in the next room as a child, it was all dwarfed by being in the middle of two near senior citizens bitter divorce. An end to a relationship that was as bitter or more than the divorce itself. Our conversation was centered around her being the victim...and money. Everything was on someone else, and she was left to suffer alone in Florida. Her SPENDING had to go down, her BILLS became an issue, she had to learn to BUDGET, but my dad was sitting pretty with a 401K, pension and IRA....oh goodness what a mess.
I cannot believe that there is such a rift in this relationship. I mean, its my mother, and I can't seem to find a way to truly love her. Everything is so guarded, so cautious. How can you have a relationship where you never show the real you? I did learn however that my heart is the one that is hardened. My mom wants so badly to be close to me, and wants so badly to have a real, true, and authentic relationship with me, but I am too scarred to allow that to happen. I want so badly to hear I'm sorry, and I need so badly to know that she understands HOW she hurt me. Somehow I need to get to a place where I understand her a little bit more, a place where I understand her thought process, and why she reacts and says the things that she does. The only issue is how. I see her 2 times per year, and soon probably only once, maybe even less.
How do you forgive without hearing I'm sorry? How do you move on without looking back? How do you look forward without understanding the past? Perhaps this is why a lot of my relationships are shallow. It is very possible that I could take this same caution into my friendships, thus making them skin deep. Have I shown anyone the real me?
Better yet, who the hell is the real me? 27, alone, emotional, and confused. I write to a blog that no one sees, that could be the first sign of a problem. Shouldn't I want my friends to read my thoughts, and understand what's going on in my head? I feel ashamed of my emotions....
I am destined to die alone.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Phil is spelled H.U.R.T.
I just am in total shock right now. I feel like I am being cut by a razor blade, very slowly, yet meticulously enough to make me slowly bleed to death. I am in the most stressful situation I have been in in quite some time, and I just don't see a way out of it. I have been having these visions of myself in a corner crying from hunger, embarrassment and shame. I have this terribly irrational fear that I am going to lose everything and wind up alone because all of my channels of help will have abandoned me.
Here's the 411. I got hours cut at the bank, I haven't worked at the hotel in 2 weeks, and before that it wasn't all that often to begin with. I don't have money to burn. I don't even have the extra money for a loaf of bread. Literally every dollar has to be accounted for, and if I can go without it...I have to. I am about to go on a vacation with my mother that will cost me 300 dollars. I have been squandering every dollar in hopes of saving enough for this vacation....obviously I was hoping for more frequent work at the hotel to aid in this goal. In any case, it hasn't happened and I don't have the total amount. I did express this to my mom through email, and asked for grace in paying my debt back in 2 or 3 installments. The email in response to that....was literally scathing.
She told me that we never agreed to have me pay her back gradually, and that she will not pay for my half of the cost. If I need money, I will need to find other channels to get it to give her the money that I owe her. This is my mother. I know that I need to honor the commitment that I made, and I have every intention of making that happen, but for goodness sakes, sometimes life happens and it changes what we're able to accomplish. It was never my plan to lose hours at both of my jobs at the same time, who in the hell would ever plan for that? Heaven forbid that an unforeseen circumstance come in the way of 300 hundred dollars.
But whatever, I will play along. I will try my other channel for possibly helping me out. If that doesn't happen..well then I guess I am not just slightly screwed, I am a new kind of royally screwed. I have so many emotions happening right now. Anger, hurt, bitterness, rage, pity, confusion, numbness, shock...all rotating in and out at any moment in the day. I just don't understand my life. I am struggling with feeling edified, and this happens. I feel like a failure, and this correspondence happens. What is going on right now? I feel absolutely miserable.
One more trail to add to the growing list. Is this all worth it? What is the prize waiting for me at the end of all of this?
All I am saying, is it better be mind-blowing good..we're talking jaw dropping. God is in control right? I sure hope so.
Here's the 411. I got hours cut at the bank, I haven't worked at the hotel in 2 weeks, and before that it wasn't all that often to begin with. I don't have money to burn. I don't even have the extra money for a loaf of bread. Literally every dollar has to be accounted for, and if I can go without it...I have to. I am about to go on a vacation with my mother that will cost me 300 dollars. I have been squandering every dollar in hopes of saving enough for this vacation....obviously I was hoping for more frequent work at the hotel to aid in this goal. In any case, it hasn't happened and I don't have the total amount. I did express this to my mom through email, and asked for grace in paying my debt back in 2 or 3 installments. The email in response to that....was literally scathing.
She told me that we never agreed to have me pay her back gradually, and that she will not pay for my half of the cost. If I need money, I will need to find other channels to get it to give her the money that I owe her. This is my mother. I know that I need to honor the commitment that I made, and I have every intention of making that happen, but for goodness sakes, sometimes life happens and it changes what we're able to accomplish. It was never my plan to lose hours at both of my jobs at the same time, who in the hell would ever plan for that? Heaven forbid that an unforeseen circumstance come in the way of 300 hundred dollars.
But whatever, I will play along. I will try my other channel for possibly helping me out. If that doesn't happen..well then I guess I am not just slightly screwed, I am a new kind of royally screwed. I have so many emotions happening right now. Anger, hurt, bitterness, rage, pity, confusion, numbness, shock...all rotating in and out at any moment in the day. I just don't understand my life. I am struggling with feeling edified, and this happens. I feel like a failure, and this correspondence happens. What is going on right now? I feel absolutely miserable.
One more trail to add to the growing list. Is this all worth it? What is the prize waiting for me at the end of all of this?
All I am saying, is it better be mind-blowing good..we're talking jaw dropping. God is in control right? I sure hope so.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Phil is spelled F.A.I.L.
I feel like a massive and monumental failure lately. I have found myself stewing and festering on the things in my life which make me feel insignificant. For example, there are several people that I work with who receive 15 text messages in an hour. From friends, from family, from husbands/wives/boyfriends; etc. I go an entire week sometimes without one of my friends texting me, or even responding to the texts that I send them. Something must be slightly wrong with me that most of the people in my life can go a week without talking to me. Hell, most of the people in my life go multiple weeks without talking to me. Is this because I am a person who is unfit to be cared for, or that I have surrounded myself with people who may struggle with that as well? Is it true that we tend to gravitate towards people with similar interest and by default similar struggles and shortcomings? Do we ever succeed in relationships?
I think I am going to move at the end of my lease here. I need a change. I need to be in a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. A place where I can literally start over. Where I can feel lonely because I don't know a single person in the town. So far my top choices are Chicago, NYC, Virginia Beach and Orlando. They are the locations with the most opportunities with BOA, and with a large number of people to get lost into. I would like the chance to succeed at relationships. A chance to lay down at the end of the day and feel like I am impacting someones life, and they are impacting mine. A chance to say that I have someone or some people to "do life" with. I want to fight through trials with someone, to celebrate joy with someone, and most of all feel like there is someone who I can call at anytime and for any reason. I feel right now that I don't have that person, that friend who can be my rock, who can speak truth to me when I am believing lies. All of these do not exist in this town.
It also doesn't help that Ann Arbor is becoming the new Hollywood. What better way to make a person who majored in acting, and who dreamed about being in those movies for his entire life feel more insignificant than to have multiple movies being shot here at one time. Almost everywhere you go, you see a movie trailer, a craft services tent, roads closed for the big names to do their thing. Extra casting calls come out by the day, but you can't go because of the fact that you have to work to afford your new digs. Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Topher Grace, Richard Gere and Drew Barrymore have all been in town to shoot their latest big screen adventure...and instead of me trying to be in them...I have to be a teller instead.
I need to quit my bitching. I am not the only person on earth who has suspended their dreams because of the necessity to eat and have shelter. There are probably thousands if not tens of thousands of people doing the same thing every single day across the country. I would be stupid to think I am the only one with unfulfilled dreams..because I am not.
I just need to change the spelling of my name...F.A.I.L. is far more accurate.
Until next time.
I think I am going to move at the end of my lease here. I need a change. I need to be in a place where I don't know anyone and no one knows me. A place where I can literally start over. Where I can feel lonely because I don't know a single person in the town. So far my top choices are Chicago, NYC, Virginia Beach and Orlando. They are the locations with the most opportunities with BOA, and with a large number of people to get lost into. I would like the chance to succeed at relationships. A chance to lay down at the end of the day and feel like I am impacting someones life, and they are impacting mine. A chance to say that I have someone or some people to "do life" with. I want to fight through trials with someone, to celebrate joy with someone, and most of all feel like there is someone who I can call at anytime and for any reason. I feel right now that I don't have that person, that friend who can be my rock, who can speak truth to me when I am believing lies. All of these do not exist in this town.
It also doesn't help that Ann Arbor is becoming the new Hollywood. What better way to make a person who majored in acting, and who dreamed about being in those movies for his entire life feel more insignificant than to have multiple movies being shot here at one time. Almost everywhere you go, you see a movie trailer, a craft services tent, roads closed for the big names to do their thing. Extra casting calls come out by the day, but you can't go because of the fact that you have to work to afford your new digs. Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Topher Grace, Richard Gere and Drew Barrymore have all been in town to shoot their latest big screen adventure...and instead of me trying to be in them...I have to be a teller instead.
I need to quit my bitching. I am not the only person on earth who has suspended their dreams because of the necessity to eat and have shelter. There are probably thousands if not tens of thousands of people doing the same thing every single day across the country. I would be stupid to think I am the only one with unfulfilled dreams..because I am not.
I just need to change the spelling of my name...F.A.I.L. is far more accurate.
Until next time.
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