I am pretty over this...

I suck at regularity with this thing...but then again no one even knows this exists...so WHATEVER! I have something I need to get off of my chest. Now I know that I am going to sound like a whiny baby bee-cha-cha, but who the hell cares.

All my life I have had to deal with the fact that I never really understood and grasped what it was like to be/act/think and talk like a man. I can't even begin to fake it. I just don't know what it means. A lot of my friends tell me that it doesn't matter and that what the world thinks of me is nothing compared to what God thinks of me. I am totally behind this and I am sure that one day I may understand what that statement means....but for the time being, I live in the world, and I deal with worldly situations on a daily basis. The largest of which being the perception of my sexuality based on my mannerisms and lack of many qualities and even features.

I don't burp and fart for laughter, and I tend to think more like a woman than a man. I am overly sensitive and I find sexist humor demoralizing and cavemanish in nature. My post before this dealt with men who constantly talk poorly about their spouses...I would crumble if my future whatever talked poorly of me to their co-workers.

But I digress.

In the last few weeks, more times than I care to think about, I have been referred to in a womanly term. For example, at the bank today, i was helping a customer with a transaction, and I asked him a question and he didn't quite hear me. Instead of saying what? he looked directly at me and said "ma'am?" I remember my stomach turning. To make matters worse, our lobby was 4 deep waiting to be helped at the teller line...and this man was anything but quiet. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and absolutely emasculated. More emasculated than I make myself feel already on a daily basis. I was called ma'am at the hotel on Wednesday, and 2 other times at the bank this week alone. That makes 5 times that a perfect stranger has looked at me and said ma'am, or even worse, didn't look at me and only responded to my voice with a yes ma'am or no ma'am depending on the circumstance.

There are many days when I wish I had a job where I could just be silent. Where I could disappear into the background and not be seen, heard or cared about. Unfortunately neither of the two jobs that I have allow me to be silent or fade into the background. I am just so over this. I am so over this aspect of myself being a tool for my shame. There are those that say I should be proud of who I am, be bold in my differences and use them to my advantage. The only problem is I don't see any of this as a positive thing. I have had countless conversations about how great it is and how God doesn't make mistakes and He planned for this to be apart of my life, to make me stronger.

I feel weak. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. I feel dirty, ashamed, outcast. I feel like a freak. Is this the life I was meant to live? Now I am starting to sound like a whiny baby bee-cha-cha, which is not my intention at all.

I just want to be normal...whatever that is. Whatever it may be, one thing I know for sure....it isn't me.


That is all.