kind of a mess..

First of all, let me say that being sick sucks! How does one person spend an hour with 4 sick people and catch it, when another person who spent 72 hours with the same sick people does not get sick? I hate being sick. You're hot, then you're cold (it's black and it's white...sorry) then you're achy and weak. It is stupid. How can we advance so far in medicine and STILL not have a cure for the common cold? Where is the group searching for the cure for that? Isn't it up there on the list with AIDS, Cancer, Autism and Down Syndrome?

But I digress. My head has been all over the place today. I've been excited, nervous, angry, hurt, happy, sad, disheartened, annoyed...literally all over the place. Maybe it is the fact that I have this awful cold right now, but it is most likely the fact that when I have time to look at my life and think about it; I am kind of a mess. I live with a man who couldn't care less if he lives or dies. He isn't controlling his diabetes, and a once active man has become nothing more than a bump on a log. He is in pajamas by 5 pm, and in bed by 830 on most nights. This is where I live. In the year and a half that I have lived with him, I have never had a group of people not with my last name over for any length of time. I have a morsel of bitterness and contempt that is slowly but surely growing roots that are deep. I don't want to be that person, but the fact remains in my family, that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I miss my life. I miss my solitude. I miss my time alone, when it was my choice. Right now it is not my choice to be alone...it is my bondage. I am being forced to live life alone, apart from everyone that I hold close to my heart. Now here is where the problem lies. Yes I live a long ways away from almost everyone in my life. Yes I chose to live here instead of finding alternate housing. I did not however, choose to have many of my friends cease to pursue me because of my living with my father. You know what...this is the easy way out. Blaming others for my own deficiencies is totally inappropriate. I settled into this situation, and I have let it get to this boiling point. I am solely responsible for the mess it has become.

Good thing no one reads this blog...I sound pretty pathetic. But what better way to sound pathetic that to your lonely old self. Case in point to my loneliness...even this blog points it out. Oh freakin well.

This is the end of this post..because I am now annoying myself. And my wrists hurt from typing.

I am so screwed...

It happened again yesterday. I was waiting on a customer at the bank, and he needed me to do something I wasn't able or willing to do. What was his response? "Well the other girls always do it for me." The other girls? Really? Then he corrected himself: "I mean the girls here do it for me." Nice save...NOT. Seriously, I was shocked. It has become a little funny to me actually. That is 6 times now in the last 8 or 9 days that I have been referred to as or called a name that is reflective of, a woman. In all honesty, I just go into my days expecting it to happen. I almost walk into the bank wondering when it is going to happen that someone refers to me as a woman.

In other news, my life is about to change yet again. I was informed today that my hours that were increased due to a position being open, will now be decreased because of that position being filled. It may not be for 30 days or so, but it will happen. Possibly sooner and possibly later, he has no idea and neither do I. Roughly translated it means that my hours could be cut at any time on any day during any week in the next 30 days.

Involved in all this loveliness is the fact that I am trying to get the hell out of dodge! I need to move out, and have found a few prospects of apartment complexes to look at. The problem now becomes what can I afford and where will the best location be? If my hours are going to be cut, that means half of my monthly income goes with it. The obvious question in response to that? Why don't I get a roommate? What an excellent question! There is a possibility that I could live with one of my friends, however that would not be until August, and he has mentioned that he is unsure he wants to live with me or another of his friends. Awesome.

I decided to be vulnerable and tell my father of these recent developments, and he used it as a tool to become more depressed about his own situation. Really? This is another example of how much I need to get out of this awful situation. I can't even talk about my life without it being turned around to be made about someone else! Hello! My problem i about me...not you!

Oh! I forgot an important tidbit of this whole thing. In the conversation with my boss today where he told me my hours were being cut, he told me that my direct supervisor, called an SSS (sales & service specialist), is looking to be promoted within the market in the coming month(s). Maybe he will and maybe he won't...we'll have to wait and see. Well, if he were to move on into a different position, that would leave his position open in our branch. My manager decided to tell me that he would consider me for the promotion to SSS, which is more responsibility, 40 hours a week, and a near 3 dollar raise. I would LOVE to get that promotion, but I don't want to see our SSS go...I really like working with him. I have only been there for 3 months, why would I be the person he would choose for such an important position in the bank? And who am I to think that anyone would approve that! 3 months!

Oh my goodness, I am literally in knots thinking about all of this. I am beginning to become consumed with getting the hell out of this house and not on anything constructive in my life. Like friendships, and learning in steps and not trying to leap all at once at the bank. I don't know. I hate my life.

I am so screwed. I have no idea what's right and what's wrong anymore. So why bother!?

So what have we learned today? I sound/look/act/and behave like a woman to almost everyone on earth. I will be losing my hours. Apartments in Ann Arbor/Ypsi want to bend you over with rent prices. My father takes every problem in my life and makes it about him. My supervisor may be getting a new job in the market which may open a position that may be filled by me. That promotion may be approved by the market team or they may choose to hire someone else from within the market to come in and do it. Oh, and I sound/look/act/and behave like a woman to everyone on earth.

All that in just one day. I am so screwed. Can't wait until tomorrow!

What will your adventure be today?

What a great question! As i sat in church today listening to a pastor just returning from a year long trip to Kenya, he mentioned that he was waiting for what his next adventure would be. He put a really cool spin on it however. Instead of using adventure as a fun, preplanned and wanted event, he admitted that he wasn't excited to possibly spend more time away from home, but he said that adventure was another way of explaining a step of faith. Every time we do something that we maybe don't want to or perhaps are super afraid to hear we should do, it is a step of faith. Well is it that far fetched to think of that same step of faith being an adventure into it. It being faith of course.

I have been wrestling everyday with when to move, if I should move, where I should move, what it should cost. Should I buy a new computer and HDTV on credit or should I wait until I can afford to pay it and not have to resort to opening a credit card at some store in the area? In all of those questions I have been losing sight of the adventure, which is do I have the faith to move with practically nothing and believe that God will provide me with the necessities if and when I can afford them. With that in mind, I have decided to pursue the option of moving sooner than the August/September I once planned on. Truth be told, I don't think that I could live here for 6 more months and not go insane, or grow bitterness toward my father, which is on the bottom of the list of things I want to do.

I just want to be in a place that will be good for me, both financially and relationally. Right here, right now, in this house, I am not doing anything for myself relationally, except see my relationships fall by the wayside. Along with this idea of adventure today, I hung out with this amazing girl (hope you read this!) and she asked me a valid question. If it is so bad, why not move up my move date and get out end of April instead of waiting until August or September? The truth is I don't know why. Which is another reason I have decided to pursue the idea of moving sooner rather than later.

It just boils down to several factors. In the last few weeks, things have really fallen into place for me to be able to furnish an apartment with little to no money. Sweet! Also, I am getting extra hours at the bank for the foreseeable future, which is absolutely key to being able to get out of my situation. I should be able to get more hours at the hotel once spring (fully) comes and especially after the semester ends at the end of April. Should my hours go down at the bank...I am totally prepared to get a third job which could include returning to Red Robin for the tip money. I am not beneath attempting a return to Red Robin. It is not ideal, but the sacrifice could be worth it in the long run.

Wow...I never thought I would say that! No part of me thought I would ever mutter those words. Even though I typed them...I still said them in my head.

I am planning a leap of faith in my life. This could get interesting. What is your adventure going to be today? Words to live by....

I am pretty over this...

I suck at regularity with this thing...but then again no one even knows this exists...so WHATEVER! I have something I need to get off of my chest. Now I know that I am going to sound like a whiny baby bee-cha-cha, but who the hell cares.

All my life I have had to deal with the fact that I never really understood and grasped what it was like to be/act/think and talk like a man. I can't even begin to fake it. I just don't know what it means. A lot of my friends tell me that it doesn't matter and that what the world thinks of me is nothing compared to what God thinks of me. I am totally behind this and I am sure that one day I may understand what that statement means....but for the time being, I live in the world, and I deal with worldly situations on a daily basis. The largest of which being the perception of my sexuality based on my mannerisms and lack of many qualities and even features.

I don't burp and fart for laughter, and I tend to think more like a woman than a man. I am overly sensitive and I find sexist humor demoralizing and cavemanish in nature. My post before this dealt with men who constantly talk poorly about their spouses...I would crumble if my future whatever talked poorly of me to their co-workers.

But I digress.

In the last few weeks, more times than I care to think about, I have been referred to in a womanly term. For example, at the bank today, i was helping a customer with a transaction, and I asked him a question and he didn't quite hear me. Instead of saying what? he looked directly at me and said "ma'am?" I remember my stomach turning. To make matters worse, our lobby was 4 deep waiting to be helped at the teller line...and this man was anything but quiet. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and absolutely emasculated. More emasculated than I make myself feel already on a daily basis. I was called ma'am at the hotel on Wednesday, and 2 other times at the bank this week alone. That makes 5 times that a perfect stranger has looked at me and said ma'am, or even worse, didn't look at me and only responded to my voice with a yes ma'am or no ma'am depending on the circumstance.

There are many days when I wish I had a job where I could just be silent. Where I could disappear into the background and not be seen, heard or cared about. Unfortunately neither of the two jobs that I have allow me to be silent or fade into the background. I am just so over this. I am so over this aspect of myself being a tool for my shame. There are those that say I should be proud of who I am, be bold in my differences and use them to my advantage. The only problem is I don't see any of this as a positive thing. I have had countless conversations about how great it is and how God doesn't make mistakes and He planned for this to be apart of my life, to make me stronger.

I feel weak. I feel defeated. I feel hopeless. I feel dirty, ashamed, outcast. I feel like a freak. Is this the life I was meant to live? Now I am starting to sound like a whiny baby bee-cha-cha, which is not my intention at all.

I just want to be normal...whatever that is. Whatever it may be, one thing I know for sure....it isn't me.


That is all.