Call me a jerk, call me selfish, call me whatever the hell you want, but if your plan for me doesn't come to pass, how is that my fault in any way? I will not be manipulated into staying in a situation that is bad for me! If you took on more debt than you can handle, that is YOUR problem, and not mine to shoulder. No one twisted your arm to buy this house, and no one coerced you into getting into a new vehicle when your old one was paid in full. None of these things effect me, because I did not sign a lease or give an agreement that I would be staying here for any long period of time.
Over the last several days, my father has expressed his hope that my job situation will level out because when it does I would be able to pay him rent money and contribute as he says to the monthly "expenses." While I would be more than willing to do this, and would I were committed to living here for a longer stretch of time, I would be all about it. Seeing as I am hoping that May will be my last month in this house, I do not want the burden on me that when I move out he will be sitting here struggling to make ends meet. How fair is it to mention that you let bills go unpaid at the end of the month because you don't have the money? Then you tell me that you hope my situation stabilizes so I can contribute, ask me if I am saving to move out, and THEN tell me that I should be looking to move out, but you were hoping I wouldn't do it for ONE OR TWO YEARS!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!! I am so upset right now. On top of my anxiety of living here until the day I die, I have to worry about the possibility that my leaving could literally put my dad in a serious financial pinch. I want my freedom, and I want to live an adult life, but how can I do that in good faith knowing how much it could make him suffer?
This really is so unfair. Why can't he just communicate? Why is it always kept inside so it can drive him crazy and feed his fatalist, depressed mindset? It is so hard to parent your parents. I even asked him a month ago what EXACTLY he needed from me fiscally to help him out. He told me groceries and phone bill. Cool, we can do that. Only to find out today that he needs hundreds more. HUNDREDS! Like seriously? I told him to seriously look at what he thought he would need from me, and that is what he said. So here I am thinking that is all I would need to do, and doing my best to save for the day when I could step out of this house for the last time as a resident of it. Now it just became so much more complicated.
When it comes down to it, I need to do what is going to be best for the future of me. If being here is really affecting me that badly, then I need to go. I need to go and trust that God will provide for my dad what it is that he needs to survive and make the ends meet. As hard and as bad as it is to say, his decisions to incur debt are not my issue, and I really shouldn't burden myself with it. Easier said than done.
I need to learn to live life for myself and not for the people around me. It is my life, and if it isn't exactly where I want it to be I have no one to blame but myself. The same is true if I continue to allow outside sources to influence the decisions of my life. Isn't that why we all can't wait to move out as children? We long for the day we can move to college, or earn enough money to move out for good. I might finally be close to that, and I DO NOT want to take steps backwards, I want to continue going forward.
That felt good to vent that, especially knowing that no one is going to read it. Maybe that isn't a positive thing, but I have to take it for what it is. Better for me to vent it here than to say this to his face. That would be bad. All steps taken to go forward, I am done with going backwards. If you try to make me go that way, you will not be happy, because I will crush you.
It's a brand new day ladies and gentleman, a brand new day. If you want to go somewhere, and if you want to be somebody, you better wake up and pay attention. Wise words from the sisters!!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
How very predictable...
Today is my first day off from both of my jobs in 16 days. That means that for 2+ weeks I have woken up early (before 630) and gone to work, sometimes working both in one day. Today, I was looking forward to being alone for a little while. To be able to kick back and relax and not have to deal with people or have shallow conversations....but I forgot one very important thing. I live with my father. Of all of the days that I would have not wanted to have him home early, today would have been that day. Instead, I just had this feeling when I woke up this morning that my time was limited, and he would indeed be home earlier than usual.
I can't say why I felt this way, just that I had a feeling. Maybe it was founded in recent trends, or perhaps the fact that I haven't been home and we haven't crossed paths in 4 days. Whatever it was...my prediction rang true. I even got up earlier than I wanted to because of this feeling. Sure enough, after a trip to the grocery store, I returned home to attempt to enjoy some me time, only to hear the garage door open not 8 minutes later. All told on my day off, I received 45 minutes of time alone in my house. This just is not acceptable, and it isn't rally his fault. I mean he lives here to, and he can come and go as he pleases.
All of this just stems from my still present need to get the hell out of dodge. It is really bad. I should be appreciative that I have a father who doesn't care if I live with him until I am 50. I am not appreciative. I am fed up. Altogether, totally and undeniably fed up. I would almost rather live in my car than live here for a long period of time. I may have to resort to living in my car.
Okay now I am being irrational. Here is the plan. May's schedule should be coming out in the next day or so for the bank job. If the hours should stay the same as I suspect they will, we save like a mo-fo for a move in date of June 1st. Then, we hope that hours at the hotel pick up as it has been mentioned that it will..and we save like a mo-fo from that as well. Spend only on groceries and gas. No eating out, no excess leisure purchases, and wedding gifts are kept at 20 dollars and below. All of this in the hope that by the time the end of May rolls around, I will have enough money to pay for rent in the month of June and July and have the time to save again for the months of August and September. This way I am always a month ahead to save for the next two months. Sound doable? I think it's all wishful thinking, but I also know that it is possible for that to happen. I could very well save enough money for the above to happen. If I don't I will have no one to blame but myself.
Oh it feels so good to vent to no one! My life sucks. Oh well...such is life I guess. When you think about it, June 1 isn't that far off. It is almost May after all.
Whatever.
I can't say why I felt this way, just that I had a feeling. Maybe it was founded in recent trends, or perhaps the fact that I haven't been home and we haven't crossed paths in 4 days. Whatever it was...my prediction rang true. I even got up earlier than I wanted to because of this feeling. Sure enough, after a trip to the grocery store, I returned home to attempt to enjoy some me time, only to hear the garage door open not 8 minutes later. All told on my day off, I received 45 minutes of time alone in my house. This just is not acceptable, and it isn't rally his fault. I mean he lives here to, and he can come and go as he pleases.
All of this just stems from my still present need to get the hell out of dodge. It is really bad. I should be appreciative that I have a father who doesn't care if I live with him until I am 50. I am not appreciative. I am fed up. Altogether, totally and undeniably fed up. I would almost rather live in my car than live here for a long period of time. I may have to resort to living in my car.
Okay now I am being irrational. Here is the plan. May's schedule should be coming out in the next day or so for the bank job. If the hours should stay the same as I suspect they will, we save like a mo-fo for a move in date of June 1st. Then, we hope that hours at the hotel pick up as it has been mentioned that it will..and we save like a mo-fo from that as well. Spend only on groceries and gas. No eating out, no excess leisure purchases, and wedding gifts are kept at 20 dollars and below. All of this in the hope that by the time the end of May rolls around, I will have enough money to pay for rent in the month of June and July and have the time to save again for the months of August and September. This way I am always a month ahead to save for the next two months. Sound doable? I think it's all wishful thinking, but I also know that it is possible for that to happen. I could very well save enough money for the above to happen. If I don't I will have no one to blame but myself.
Oh it feels so good to vent to no one! My life sucks. Oh well...such is life I guess. When you think about it, June 1 isn't that far off. It is almost May after all.
Whatever.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
It's getting desperate
I have got to get the hell out of dodge. It is getting to the point that I am having anxiety attacks sitting in my own house. It's like I wake up knowing that my time at home is going to royally suck. I cannot go anywhere in this house, and I cannot find a moment of peace to be on my own for any length of time and it is driving me out of my freaking mind.
This is the most uncomfortable that I can remember being in a long time. My hours are days from being cut at the bank, and I have been getting no hours at the hotel. Two jobs, and I can't make the bills that I have in my life. Seriously? I have faith that everything will come together eventually, and I will look back and laugh at my lack of faith. I truly hope that my belly hurts from that laughter, and I truly hope that it is soon. They say laughing burns 3 calories per minute or something like that...well I have a lot of weight to lose..so this guy needs to laugh for a few hours, maybe even days. I am feeling desperate because I am feeling stuck.
My human instinct for survival has kicked in. In my head I am kicking and clawing at a stone wall in an attempt to either break it down or claw a hole in it, just so I might catch a glimpse of what the outside world looks like. So I have come up with a plan to get the hell out of dodge.
This past few weeks I have had several encounters with our bank market team for meetings, new hire breakfasts, branch visits; etc. I mentioned that I wanted to pursue moving up in this company. The bank has a standard of being an inclusive meritocracy, meaning it hires from within. I would like to take full advantage of that meritocracy. My hope and prayer is that in the next 2-3 months I could be in a full time position at some branch in the SE Michigan Market. Perhaps a lofty goal, but I would also love a raise involved with that.
Should a promotion of sorts to a full time position be achieved in the next 2-3 months....I AM OUT OF HERE!!! Without a doubt, there will be no more of me in this house. I could even afford to live in a relatively nice apartment with a full time position and slight raise. That would be quite awesome. This opportunity with the bank has been incredible. I never thought that I would like it as much as I do, and I didn't think I would catch on as well as I have. But I have, and the chance to advance has come, and I am truly hoping to run through that open door.
Who knows what will happen, and who even knows that I'll have this job in 2-3 months. I hope so, and I don't for see doing something that would render a termination, but you really do never know.
I have to get out of here...I can feel myself dying inside from being here. I have to. I have to get out of here.
This is the most uncomfortable that I can remember being in a long time. My hours are days from being cut at the bank, and I have been getting no hours at the hotel. Two jobs, and I can't make the bills that I have in my life. Seriously? I have faith that everything will come together eventually, and I will look back and laugh at my lack of faith. I truly hope that my belly hurts from that laughter, and I truly hope that it is soon. They say laughing burns 3 calories per minute or something like that...well I have a lot of weight to lose..so this guy needs to laugh for a few hours, maybe even days. I am feeling desperate because I am feeling stuck.
My human instinct for survival has kicked in. In my head I am kicking and clawing at a stone wall in an attempt to either break it down or claw a hole in it, just so I might catch a glimpse of what the outside world looks like. So I have come up with a plan to get the hell out of dodge.
This past few weeks I have had several encounters with our bank market team for meetings, new hire breakfasts, branch visits; etc. I mentioned that I wanted to pursue moving up in this company. The bank has a standard of being an inclusive meritocracy, meaning it hires from within. I would like to take full advantage of that meritocracy. My hope and prayer is that in the next 2-3 months I could be in a full time position at some branch in the SE Michigan Market. Perhaps a lofty goal, but I would also love a raise involved with that.
Should a promotion of sorts to a full time position be achieved in the next 2-3 months....I AM OUT OF HERE!!! Without a doubt, there will be no more of me in this house. I could even afford to live in a relatively nice apartment with a full time position and slight raise. That would be quite awesome. This opportunity with the bank has been incredible. I never thought that I would like it as much as I do, and I didn't think I would catch on as well as I have. But I have, and the chance to advance has come, and I am truly hoping to run through that open door.
Who knows what will happen, and who even knows that I'll have this job in 2-3 months. I hope so, and I don't for see doing something that would render a termination, but you really do never know.
I have to get out of here...I can feel myself dying inside from being here. I have to. I have to get out of here.
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