Phil is spelled H.U.R.T.

I just am in total shock right now. I feel like I am being cut by a razor blade, very slowly, yet meticulously enough to make me slowly bleed to death. I am in the most stressful situation I have been in in quite some time, and I just don't see a way out of it. I have been having these visions of myself in a corner crying from hunger, embarrassment and shame. I have this terribly irrational fear that I am going to lose everything and wind up alone because all of my channels of help will have abandoned me.

Here's the 411. I got hours cut at the bank, I haven't worked at the hotel in 2 weeks, and before that it wasn't all that often to begin with. I don't have money to burn. I don't even have the extra money for a loaf of bread. Literally every dollar has to be accounted for, and if I can go without it...I have to. I am about to go on a vacation with my mother that will cost me 300 dollars. I have been squandering every dollar in hopes of saving enough for this vacation....obviously I was hoping for more frequent work at the hotel to aid in this goal. In any case, it hasn't happened and I don't have the total amount. I did express this to my mom through email, and asked for grace in paying my debt back in 2 or 3 installments. The email in response to that....was literally scathing.

She told me that we never agreed to have me pay her back gradually, and that she will not pay for my half of the cost. If I need money, I will need to find other channels to get it to give her the money that I owe her. This is my mother. I know that I need to honor the commitment that I made, and I have every intention of making that happen, but for goodness sakes, sometimes life happens and it changes what we're able to accomplish. It was never my plan to lose hours at both of my jobs at the same time, who in the hell would ever plan for that? Heaven forbid that an unforeseen circumstance come in the way of 300 hundred dollars.

But whatever, I will play along. I will try my other channel for possibly helping me out. If that doesn't happen..well then I guess I am not just slightly screwed, I am a new kind of royally screwed. I have so many emotions happening right now. Anger, hurt, bitterness, rage, pity, confusion, numbness, shock...all rotating in and out at any moment in the day. I just don't understand my life. I am struggling with feeling edified, and this happens. I feel like a failure, and this correspondence happens. What is going on right now? I feel absolutely miserable.

One more trail to add to the growing list. Is this all worth it? What is the prize waiting for me at the end of all of this?

All I am saying, is it better be mind-blowing good..we're talking jaw dropping. God is in control right? I sure hope so.