I need a change

There comes a time in life when you just have to admit that you need a change. I have been coming to that realization more and more everyday. A2 has been great, and the 10 years that I have been here have brought so many great things for me. But A2 is not the end for me. I don't see my future here, and I don't picture life to the full for myself here. I picture the emptiness that plagues me each day I open my eyes to greet the sun.

Emptiness fills my personal life as much as it does my "professional" life, if that's what you want to call working for a hotel banquet center. I miss the joy that teaching brought me at RR, the rush and the high that came from making an impact in a positive way. Not in a self-serving, arrogant kind of way, but the feeling that your work and your presence may actually be a force to positively affect not just a room, but the greater whole of operation bigger than yourself. I miss the gift that I feel I was given, I mourn the opportunities to utilize it. I can only hope and pray that in the near future, and for many years to come, that I may be able to use and utilize that gift for the greater good of youth in some town in some area of the country, or the world abroad.

Emptiness is such an interesting feeling, emotion, state of being or whatever you want to call it. The actual event is anything but empty. It is all consuming, like a flood, or the beauty of the sunset. Every action and every word results from the overwhelming effect of emptiness on a person's life. I would be the poster child for that these last several months. The monotony of my job, the feeling that I am not moving forward, the reality that my friendships have crumbled under the weight of my insecurity and cold heart have all combined to put me in the throws of emptiness.

Life shouldn't be this difficult. Yes there are trials and tribulations, and yes there are days when you wish you could rewind and live the day before, but when blinking seems too much, there is a problem. Here's how I feel right now: I feel like my life is the aftermath of a flood. Like a Katrina flood, when the levee system fails and water 2o feet deep overtakes a home. The water that flows through the streets and enters the home has become stagnant, and is filled with oil, mud, dead fish, cars and God knows what else. Basically, the water has become diseased, and the longer it takes to recede, the more damage is done to the house. The longer it sits, the more condemned it becomes. I am the home, and I feel like everything in my life is slowly being filled with dank, stagnant and disease filled water. Black mold is forming around my heart, and I feel like the only thing left to do is condemn me for tear down and rebuilding. A2 is my flood, and I feel like I need to rebuild in a new location, and leave the feelings and struggles of this place behind.

I don't know what the next 12 months will hold for me, but I hope it involves steps forward, and not backward. Here's hoping....